The Anger Of Angels....Who Won't Return.

Who's Out There?

2011-11-13T22:34:00.002-05:00

Tonight I'm writing to you without the use of my glasses, not because I've gotten contacts or cured myself magically, but rather because I'm recovering from an illness and my body is so clammy and going from hot to cold so often, my eyes are actually fogging up the lenses while just.....sitting indoors.

I used to "journal" or "blog" daily, but it's been years and it's so infrequent now, it's not even....a thing. A few times a year. So I've lost all readers. And even my stalkers are gone. Hell, even the exs, those I would and wouldn't want to read this have stopped reading I assume.

I can't really tell you if life is better or worse. It's in a weird state. I'm back in a job I enjoy, in a new work location but with a company I've been with before. And seeing someone although not officially...not for lack of trying...a very nice someone from my very distant past. As always, my life seems to be bringing itself around in a circle, not that it's a bad circle.

Passion Play

2011-06-14T00:43:00.002-04:00

The TRUTH is a difficult thing to write. So let's keep it fiction. Fiction is easier where I come from. I live forty percent fiction as it is. Everything around me looks the same and it's rotting away and it needs to be something else. So let's play pretend.

We're in a house. My wife and I are in a nice big house, in a quiet, safe neighborhood in the middle of suburbia. Our daughter is upstairs playing with her dolls. I usually get farther than this before the knock at the door. Usually she comes out of the kitchen and smiles at me, wraps her arms around my neck and stretches up slightly to kiss me. My daughter comes racing down the steps and begs me not to answer the door. I tell her that if I don't, they're just going to keep knocking.

Of course, I know who it is, who it always is. And if I open the door....if I open the door, the fantasy will fade. The family first and then the setting.

Passion is a funny thing when you don't have it anymore.

It Wasn't Supposed To Happen This Way

2010-09-24T03:05:00.002-04:00

Life isn't fair. There's so much truth to that statement. I'm certainly much better off than many, many others in the world, but this being a journal and MY journal at that, I'm going to focus on myself for this post.

I suffer from Depression. I have, off and on, ever since I was fairly young. I'm now 23. This, along with other things, have negatively effected my life and relationships. It usually comes in waves, and when it fades I put the pieces back together if things have fallen apart somewhat.

A few years ago, I left school and my job so that I could figure out things with my Epilepsy. It caused my to lose my apartment as well. The only good thing in my life was my girlfriend.

For the last several months I've been looking for work and looking for the right job, and have now lost my girlfriend. I've started a job, that I hate and not sure if I'm going to keep. I'm alone. My mother is worried. I'm over medicating. The only positive thing is I'm finally getting back into school for the spring semester.

What I hate out of all of this is my girlfriend and I are so close and care about each other so much. She was just so worried because I was out of work and school so long and her anger and concern at that, coupled with our different opinions about the relationship, brought us to a point where we had to split. But I hate it. Why does it have to be this way? If we were happy, everything else would fall into place for me.

That sounds silly, doesn't it? But it's not. I've done it before. I need someone in my life to help me through things, to help support me while I support them. I don't live my life for myself. I don't care about myself that much. And I know it's not healthy. But it's true. And it's the only way I know how to live.

I can understand why it has to be this way though. I just love her, and now that we've lost each other....it's really difficult. Especially since I don't think she understands.

When I Was Twenty-Five I Was A Rock Star

2010-09-19T23:55:00.003-04:00

That's about what I would expect. The cybersex was good, the real sex would have been better. However, it has to be postponed as your marriage was falling apart because you've fallen in love with your "Master" who's name you'd think is something dark or hardcore, but is probably Bob or Henry.

Once I died. And Once I came back. And once they came for me. And once I sat on a green couch once a week while someone with no face screamed from down the hallway.

But that was now, and this was then. And the clock never runs down quicker than when you're praying for the one you love to return when you know they won't.

There's A Difference Between Peace And Happiness.

2010-08-08T02:39:00.002-04:00

Still looking for a job. Been actively on the hunt since April. Found something awesome and then it turned out that it couldn't work out despite that it may have been in a great location. I may have found a good temp. agency though, I'll know Monday maybe?
Meaghan and I are together and doing well. We have our issues, but we're working through it and trying to make things work.
I'm not writing at all really. And I hate that. I'm trying new things to motivate myself and trying to meet up with various people who might help me develop characters or might "become" characters.
Jenn, Danny and I have started a comedy series for YouTube that...is coming along? I hope. We've filmed one with me as the lead and will alternate positions, but they'll be doing most of the editing and I don't know if it's ready yet. We thought it would be going much faster then this. Maybe a video every two weeks. And now it's been close to two months and I haven't heard word on the editing process being completed yet.
Am I forgetting something? Probably a ton. I haven't posted since Lost ended and we all found out it was just the dog having a dream.
Oh. Spoiler alert.

Eh

2010-05-29T00:24:00.002-04:00

The sun was going down slowly in the distance as I peeled my sunglasses off, not having needed them for an hour or so anyway. I smiled briefly as I looked down at the young woman lying on the towel next to mine. Her hair flowed gently in a wave of tangles as a breeze came down the beach toward us. She was face down, head against her arms, looking the other way toward the setting sun.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" I leaned over her slightly and watched the day begin to fade. Slight music drifted down from a party nearby as the waves crashed gently against the beach. She laughed and rotated under me, pulling me closer and looking up at me. "I saw it daily, baby. Before the storm."

"Storm?" Confused, I look at her for a moment. I was in love and lust, surrounded by the water and sun and sand and her. Pulled out of it by the fact that things weren't making sense. The little details were hard to focus on. Her hair changed from a red tinted brown to a blonde and back, but in a way, that even if I continued to stare at it, I almost missed it, every time. She pulled me into a kiss that I couldn't break and I didn't want to. Biting her lip gently, I wrapped my arms around her and ran a hand through her hair, wrapping my fingers in it.

Refreshing Look At The World

2010-02-23T23:31:00.002-05:00

One of my grandmother's was in the hospital undergoing surgery for breast cancer last week. I've kept mostly silent on the issue in most of my writing so far, but the surgeries went well. I was there and saw her before she went in. They removed it all, and then did the breast reconstruction while she was still under. That was Thursday. By Saturday night, she was home and Sunday I saw her again, besides being tired and sore, she's doing fairly well. They may have to do some chemo at some point soon, but overall the outcome was positive.

My life has been changing quite a lot lately, and I will tell you more about it after the "talk" I have with my father which will happen tomorrow. I will say it's becoming more focused on my writing. As for my diet, I've lost five pounds now in less than two weeks. Pretty good start? Maybe.

Where Do You Go?

2010-02-10T01:52:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow I'm going to sit down with my mom and have a discussion about the future. I feel like it's time for me to make a very big change in my life.

I've always said that it's the best policy for all involved, to never "start over" or get a "fresh start" but to just switch things up and continue on your way. Because otherwise you'll feel like a failure forever as half the people on the planet try to start over and feel like shit because they're "starting over" at 16, 20, 3o, 56, etc.

Honestly, I can't call this depression anymore. It's not even a word at this point. It's just a thing. A thing that's resulted in a lack of energy, not much showering or cleaning and absolutely no motivation. I couldn't even medicate this because I've gone past that point and I'm on so much other stuff, ya dig?

Anyway, back to the point at hand. Tomorrow there will be a discussion. About my life and my future. And it feels like whatever will be said will be my course. And I feel like it's going to be a good decision for me. I don't think everyone will agree or support what I have to say. However, it will be much different than my current life and I think I need that. And I think I need to do this to become a healthier person.

They Tried To Make Me Go To Rehab, I Said....I'm Thinking About It.

2010-02-09T01:11:00.002-05:00

I haven't written anything in a very long time and I might eventually catch you up on my life. But when I don't blog for awhile, I find myself making promises I don't keep like that, so let's focus on the here and now. This post. This moment. And work from there. Might be back tomorrow. Might vanish for six months. I'm shady like that. You can blame the chick from the beach. You can blame the medication. But I'm the one you really need to blame for my lack of blogging, because my "blogging" and "writing" really shouldn't have anything to do with each other. If I have writer's block, there's no reason I can't tell all you little fuckers about it.

It's one in the morning here in my bedroom at my house, or rather my mom's house? This is where I'm living again for the time being and probably into next fall. And I'm up as usual. Listening to Bright Eyes. To inspire myself to write.

Haven't had a steady job since I left B&N to discover my epilepsy last year and am currently enrolled in school, but it's beginning to feel fake again. I don't want to be here. It feels useless. The grades will drop, because the medication messes with me more than the actual condition, because I don't want to be living here with my mom and her drunk roommate after living on my own and affording my own place. Because I'd rather start start living a healthier life and finish the already 800+ page novel, but I can't seem to write.

But it takes me this long just to put that to paper. And everyone will have an opinion about which road I should take. Fuck it all and follow my heart? Am I strong enough?

Do You Remember?

2009-11-19T18:00:00.002-05:00

When I used to write things down and not just twitter things? I'm losing my cool. I'm going to start blogging again. But if you're going to see New Moon tonight, you're not allowed to read it. And I'll know. You'll be all glittery.

As Promised

2009-09-07T20:13:00.000-04:00

http://www.facebook.com/ronnie.kelley?ref=profile

http://twitter.com/Summers333

Wait A Minute

2009-09-07T19:40:00.002-04:00

I got your comment, reader, and instead of leaving a tiny answer you might not read anyway, why don't I post?

In regards to the health issue, there's a few of them. As far as the epilepsy goes I'm down to one medication that isn't terrible, but at the moment it's making me incredibly tired and drained. I'm motivated to do things a lot of the time, but lack the ability to get them done sometimes. Even my relatively simple school work is suffering for it sometimes. But to be fair I am taking 15 hours worth of classes even if it is online. The hospital stuff isn't a worry right now if that's what you meant. The only scare I've had was actually yesterday when I felt very sick and almost on the edge of losing it and dropping like a fly. But we don't need to go into too much detail about that.

I'm not going to go recount the last month for you guys. If you need more of me, I suggest Facebook or Twitter. I'll link both. You have to be members of both and I have to add you, but I don't see any reason why I wouldn't.

Really do want to start writing more. Of my own stuff and here again, but I say that almost daily, so we'll see how it goes.

Good weekend. Went to a book festival in Decatur yesterday and then met up with Heather P. to discuss Disney plans for the end of this month. I'm missing Meaghan a bunch, it's our nine month anniversary today. The official one anyway. We've been dating for something like....15 months, I believe if you want to get technical though.

Rewriting Your Truth

2009-08-16T11:16:00.002-04:00

Well, Meaghan is in Disney and I'm really happy for her. :) She's gotten into a good apartment with good roommates and is working in the park she wanted to work in. This is a wonderful thing for her and I can't wait to go visit.

Scott came home for a bit last week because right after he got to Auburn all the kids turned around and came home or started "rushing" and he was bored. So he left again Friday and dad and Michelle went down and helped him with some final set up stuff yesterday. He apparently met his roommate yesterday as well.

My car broke down Thursday night while I was down in Doraville, so it's in the shop and should be fixed up today or tomorrow I hope, but it's running me a bit of cash.

Bought a bunch of textbooks, still need to buy a few more this week. Classes start tomorrow!

One health issue I'm working on, because if I don't, it may land me in the hospital soon. But I'm not willing to go into specifics here quite yet.

A New Era

2009-08-11T19:22:00.002-04:00

I'm not going make you any false promises. I'm not going to recount all the major events and major players from this summer. And I'm not going to apologize for being gone. I'm going to stick with what is.

What is, is this. I'm on a lot of medication and trying to narrow it down to one or two over the next few weeks so my side effects are decreased and I have more energy.

I start my fall classes next monday and I'm taking 15 hours this semester in hopes that I can finish up at my current school by the end of next summer.

Lots of friends are going off to college or returning to it this week.

My brother left for Auburn and his freshmen year there this past weekend.

And my girlfriend Meaghan left for Orlando this morning because she's spending this semester away from UGA and interning at Disney. I'm very happy for her and I know she'll have a great time. I'll go down to visit as much as I can. It's just going to be very sad at times. That's very far away and I'm going to miss her quite a lot while she's gone.

I Don't Care What You Say Anymore, This Is MY Life.

2009-07-27T23:20:00.002-04:00

I'll come back later and post something profound and long and interesting.

The need to write here again has come upon me and I do feel like there are certain things I can't say and certain things I can't talk about and I shouldn't feel like that. But that's an issue I'll have to work out again for myself. That's someone else's problem and not an issue I've had in my past. We'll make it work.

I'm just back from Savannah with Meg and we had a great time and tonight I finished up my finals for the summer. So I should have a few weeks of relief from that.

More soon.

I'm Not Telling You Everything

2009-07-06T20:37:00.001-04:00

But I think I probably will again one day...

There's A Deer Just Outside Eating Fruit From The Orchard!

2009-06-23T21:33:00.002-04:00

It's been a while, or at least it feels that way.

On Saturday I was going to meet Jamal face to face and rode down there just to walk around the mall for almost two hours. Finally got a call from him telling me about the episode that he had the night before and apologizing for not being there. I haven't heard from him since. I don't know him that well, but it's hard knowing that he's going through some rough times with epilepsy. I'm grateful for what I have even if it's making my life....difficult right now. It also shows me how bad it could get at any moment thought.

Sunday I spent at dad's for Father's Day. We ate lunch with him and just stayed in mostly. I started feeling sicker than usual that night and still do now.

Yesterday morning I went for another blood test. I hate needles, by the way. We're trying to see if I can lower the dosage on my medication or if I need to try something new. I'm also trying an anxiety medication to replace the Klonopin(yeah, right).

Really shaky for the rest of the day, but I went over and spent time with Meaghan and her family. It was really nice.

And today was just....nothing. I've felt sick. But Meaghan came over and spent a few great hours with me. Check in soon. :)

Shattered Hearts

2009-06-19T22:16:00.004-04:00

Meaghan and I fought hard again today. I could go into it again, but there's no point. What we need to do is compromise enough that we both apologize and forgive a little and move forward. Sometimes it just seems like that isn't possible though, especially with the restrictions I feel. It's hard to talk without being told I'm wrong in what I'm doing and it's hard to continue to want to be in that situation. I love her though and it will hopefully work out for the best soon.

I took too much again, but then tossed the rest of my pills down the drain. The Klonopin is gone. All of it. And no one is prescribing me anymore, so it's gonna suck. That's how I feel about it at the moment anyway.

On an unrelated note, what's it mean when you want to decapitate someone and then slowly peal the skin from their body as they scream and bleed to death? No worries, I'm sane. But there's just one person who I think under the right circumstances, I'd enjoy not just being rid of but making suffer. Is that bad? I don't know. Probably bad.

Today we got more Braves tickets and I did so much homework and quizzes it became unfunny.

My brain won't let me focus on anything else right now so I'm gonna jet.

If They Only Knew

2009-06-17T18:48:00.002-04:00

I go cold turkey tomorrow as far as "those" pills go. Funny, three 3's on each little tablet. It's nice to forget. But the doctor wants things to change and part of it requires this. Fuck it. It'll get worse before it gets better now. So today I'm popping them left and right.

Talking to this guy named Jamal who has epilepsy as well. His far worse than mine. It's something I'm doing because it might help, but at the same time it's also in a large part more for his comfort than mine. And all at the behest of Michelle because she wants to be closer to me. I wasn't aware we had any issues, but apparently she either thinks I hate her or she's drama in herself. There's something fucked up when you tell someone your problems and reach out and they pick that time to load more on to you. I hate people like that, so I'm hoping it's not the case.

Meaghan and I fought hard yesterday. I could fill an entire post on that, but I won't. It's just gone past the breaking point and I'm hurt as I know she is. I don't know what will happen because I'm not getting what I want from the relationship and I'm not really asking for much. Communication is key and when that isn't there or is at a point where every word you say leads to more abusive words from the other person, it just becomes constant fighting over stupid stuff. I know what I need and I'm trying to give her what she needs. But if she won't even consider giving me what I desire in the relationship and all we are is unhappy and fighting.....how is that okay? We just end up resenting each other and hurt and hurt and hurt until it breaks one way or the other. I don't want that to happen, I love the girl.

Last pill drops into my drink and bubbles slightly. Yum. It was a relaxing year of pain. But it changes tomorrow. Of course, I'll still be medicated. It just won't fast acting. Or let me forget the world.

Where Do We Go From Here?

2009-06-15T11:27:00.003-04:00

I felt like I should post something, but I'm not really sure what to write. That happens a lot.

Spent yesterday doing school related stuff and then went down to dad's house to be a little closer to the airport. Had some good conversations with them, but then had an awkward talk with Michelle. Apparently after giving them a very generic and basic overview of my depression lately, she took this as a sign that I was "sharing" and decided to randomly entrust me with a horrible secret from her past. I said the usual nice and agreeable things and quickly removed myself from the situation. It was my fault, we had accidently brought up Brittney, which led to Kristy, which led to addiction, which somehow led to my aunt and her kids and then Michelle's reason behind not understanding because of what this guy did to her when she was 16. It was a whole thing that I wasn't mentally prepared for. Followed by constant "Are you sure you're okay?" I get that a lot. Until I don't.

Then I went to the airport and picked up Meaghan and took her home, stopping to get some food along the way. Haha, I originally wrote that as "kicked up Meaghan".

Stayed there last night, saw the True Blood premiere. Other stuff to talk about...bringing me down...making me think too much.....but later. Yes.

I Had Something To Say, I Swear

2009-06-13T15:02:00.003-04:00

I slept yesterday from 6-10PM and then from 4-7AM. It's not the best, but at least I was asleep at night, I guess. The sleeping pill I took for the second half didn't kick in for hours.

Got up and drove to Dunwoody to take a test I was exempt from at my previous school, but wasn't at this one. It went really well. Simple reading and writing test. I can BS a good essay like a motherfucker.

I'm still waiting for a response from Ashleigh, but it's been silent for a few days now. And Melissa hasn't replied to my email from weeks ago...but it might be for the best on that one. I'm not really sure what else I have to say. Yeah, it's nice to talk to Melissa, but we're not really friends yet and only talking about our experiences with anxiety...and the fact is all of my medical stuff is blurring together and what isn't, is lost in my memory somewhere.

Oh.

2009-06-12T16:32:00.001-04:00

Took Meaghan to the airport yesterday.

Waiting for an email response that I don't think will come.

Had dinner with dad and Michelle last night. Talked about the medical stuff and the depression.

Spanish all day today.

Hanging By A Moment

2009-06-10T18:04:00.003-04:00

So I'm setting up a beach trip to Savannah for July. I've needed to get out of here for awhile and feel this will give me enough time to prepare for it. Meaghan will be joining me I hope, but I plan to bring a friend if that falls through, mainly because I don't know how well I can manage driving down there right now.

Tomorrow I take Meaghan to the airport so she can spend a few days in New York. It's probably the longest drive I'll have taken in months and hopefully it will go without a problem. She'll be gone all weekend though, I'm going to have to find something to do.

School is already driving me mad, I'm broke and there's not much to report. Kristy contacted me last night though, drunk. Saying she missed being my roommate and such. I'm not really sure you're a roommate when you crash on my couch for a few months because you have family issues and helped my roommate commit a crime. As far as I know, Britt doesn't even talk to her now.

What's Left To Say?

2009-06-09T21:02:00.002-04:00

There's not much to tell you. A lot of it I'm skipping over. If you know me, you probably know what it is and why I'm skipping it at the moment. Maybe one day I'll put it in writing.

However, the last week and a half have been hectic. Meaghan and I almost broke up. We're trying to make it work though. I don't really want to talk about it or my feelings right now.

Dad is sick, with something, has been for a week. I hope they figure out what's wrong.

My online classes started yesterday. It's going to take a lot.

Had a weird shaking episode earlier today. I'm not sure why. It's stopped now.

....

2009-06-08T18:52:00.000-04:00

Hope It Gives You Hell

2009-06-06T20:51:00.002-04:00

He sits on the roof of the abandoned bus, rusted and fallen apart. Playing his guitar and singing quietly along to the beat in his head. Watching the fireworks, with a smile stuck to his face. It paints a nice picture. Except that every two or three minutes he stops to cough and wipe the blood from his lips and that the fireworks aren't....they're explosions in the distance.

"None of it matters anymore, it's just repetitive."

It's sad really, that they never caught on to that point in the story. Then again, if they had, he might not be able to get out in the end. But I suppose there's no harm in telling you now. It's not that he kept coming back to life or even that he kept "almost" dying and pulling himself back from it. Nope. The truth of the matter is this, all those all wounds. Everything that should have killed him. Hasn't. Because all those wounds are being held closed. Because you need him. And the sooner it becomes that no one needs him. He can let go. I won't be descriptive with that part. You can use your imaginations. That's how his story ends. Your own can keep going, no worries. But his came to a close already. Just a few more pieces to set right.

...

2009-06-04T19:36:00.000-04:00

I Take The Blame

2009-05-30T18:07:00.001-04:00

For everything.

All I can do now is try to make up for it. I won't give up unless she tells me or shows me I should.

Correction! Correction!!

2009-05-30T00:19:00.001-04:00

I've been asked to inform you that Meaghan actually plugged my clock back in, I only accidently unplugged it and plugged it back in myself. It was not me alone, as stated in an earlier post.

-licks a lollipop-

Where Do You Go?

2009-05-29T17:06:00.003-04:00

Amber lost the baby.

I'm not sure what else to say about that. I don't think I can put my feelings on the subject into words, except to say I'm glad it happened early, because that's not always been the case for her.

That guy from BN asked Meaghan out again. And it led to a fight because I was upset by what I didn't know and because she was frustrated and grumpy from being sick and having to go to class. It was not worth fighting about in the end, but I made sure to clarify my point. She's not doing anything wrong. And if he tries it again tonight, she's going to speak up in response and see if he backs down. And I have Darren keeping an eye on him tonight too, so I'm not that worried about it.

Meaghan and I spent the evening together last night and didn't do much of anything. We ate dinner and then crashed. Or I did. Fell asleep with her for two hours. I warned her before hand I was probably going to black out and maybe say various things in my sleep or even when she first thought I was waking up. She said most of it didn't make sense to her, but that I was talking about her being in a vase. She's apparently flowers.

The night before I didn't sleep. Meaning I was up all night and didn't go to bed in the morning, so that's why it was so easy to crash at eight or nine yesterday.

Kill All My Demons And My Angels Might Die Too

2009-05-27T21:15:00.003-04:00

I'm going to start posting a picture with each of these entries. Might be old, might be new, probably won't have anything to do with the post itself.

The problem with the memory loss is I can't remember half the stuff I did since I last posted.

There was the sleepover at one point. It was going to be another pool party, but it failed, so it was more hanging out in Meaghan's basement. Mostly her friends, but I know a few of them well enough and feel like I'm getting to know the others. Which is nice. Amanda also made it, which was also nice. I was a little more comfortable because of that. The sleeping itself wasn't awesome. Six of us stayed. And Heather and Amanda took the big couch and Meaghan and I took the small one. So she laid down while I sat up and tried to recline, but it didn't work. I ended up sleeping on the floor beside her. Woke up around five in the morning, because Amanda couldn't sleep and she ended up on the floor as well. We got up and watched Aladdin before I dragged myself home. It was a fun party though.

I haven't been sleeping well. Or eating well. I just don't have the urge to eat. So I don't. Sometimes a meal a day. Which isn't good. There's been progress though, I took the red sheet down and plugged my clock back in. That's a step in the right direction.

There was a little bit of an upset the other night with Meaghan, about Nikki at first, that was more of our same issue, but it might be changing for the better...and I realize I keep saying that. And then because I found out new "James" asked her out two more times. Okay, "as a friend", but one on one hang outs for coffee and the movies is not something that's okay, especially when you've been turned down by the girl once already and she's seeing someone that most of the people around you are friends with. It upset me more because I found out Meaghan had been holding this back for a few days. I know she wouldn't do anything to hurt me, but we made an agreement she'd tell me if and when this sort of shit happened. He's 30 and hustling the girls at the store. When I saw Darren the other night, as he was leaving I pulled him to the side and asked him to keep an eye on her for me since I can't be there to do it myself. I know she'll tell the managers if he doesn't eventually back off, but she's....not use to this sort of thing and it's hard for her to even turn down someone properly. She comes off sounding like she's welcoming you to Disneyworld. Which is a quality I love in most situations.

There was also a birthday gathering for Brittanie. Or...a few I guess. But Meaghan and I weren't feel great so the ones on Monday we missed most of. We opted to hang out with her family and play with sparklers and then we went to Taco Mac again. Britt was drunk by that point, and so were some of the others, but it was a fun night. Darren left early, so did Meaghan because her biology classes started yesterday. But there's an interesting video of Britt and Amanda singing on Facebook if you know me. I'm sort of not really in it, but there's a cameo if you decide to watch it. Be warned, I look dead.

And today I slept. I took a sleeping pill last night and made it last, on and off, til we went down to Doraville this evening. I got a chance to text a bit with Ashleigh though, which was actually really nice. Lots of silences though. I just....don't know what to say sometimes. I can't put it into words. lol. Like now, as I try to explain it.

Anyway, at least I can say I updated.

From Now On The Phone Stays Off The Hook

2009-05-23T20:19:00.003-04:00

They know I wouldn't work well as a caged animal, that it wouldn't be productive if only preventative. That's my explanation for the silence.

I've been lying in the dark for 24 hours or more. Since I got back from the sleepover/party yesterday afternoon. Slept for 5 to 9ish yesterday evening and then went back to sleep around 5 this morning til almost noon. I've showered...sort of...and changed clothes, and there's been food. So at least I'm not comatose.

Too many movies, and now iTunes is playing. I was trying to write, but it doesn't work. It looks wrong, all of it. But it feels natural to write like this, and I think it's better to at least update this thing instead of just suffering in silence.

I saw a picture of Amber pregnant again today. It made me grateful for the darkness. It's like a cruel joke.

I Sometimes Wonder If People Think I'm Making This Up

2009-05-21T00:53:00.002-04:00

So I didn't go to the wedding. And it didn't kill me. Or....hasn't. But before that....

Saturday night while I was still in Norcross with a puppy, Meaghan called me after work and I had to listen to "new James at BN" ask her out. She, of course, said no. But it's never fun to listen to someone ask your girl out while you're on the phone with her. Especially someone who you knew was going to ask her out when you found out he was working there. Now, he gets the benefit of the doubt because he didn't know about me and we've never met. But I'm the original James and he's just another Jimmy. And a bitch. We decided other James and people named Greg are all bitches.

(Generally not good when the room spins while you're in bed alone. Just a side note. I'll resume writing in a moment.)

A few hours later, she called again, not able to sleep and we got into a huge fight because Nikki had texted me late at night and I replied. At the time, I assumed it was okay considering I was also texting Lauren and Steph and because Meg had told me I could "do whatever I wanted" and she wanted to either meet up or double date some time. I was wrong. This led to another big fight, I don't know if I wrote about the recent others and since we're somewhat past them, I won't. But it ended with us arguing for two hours and then me yelling at her, telling her to write down exactly what she needed from me so I would have something to go by.

Eventually I hung up, turned off my phone, it was about six in the morning anyway, so I packed up, took care of the animals and drove home while my brain tried to kill me. I slept until four in the afternoon Sunday.

I don't remember anything after that until around eight because that's when I went to the mall and Meaghan got out of work, we talked to some friends for a minute and then went to see Angels and Demons. Which I thought was really good, and unpredictable because I couldn't remember who the bad guys were in the book anyway.

We hadn't talked much since the fight so when she told me she hadn't actually written anything down for me I was hurt and upset. We argued, I realized we'd gotten nowhere, and I drove off. We continued to argue over the phone. I didn't want to go home, when people are here, home is not a place I want to be, these days. Plus, I didn't want to argue in the house again. It became insane and I had nowhere to go. I should barely be driving in my condition as is. I felt hopeless about our situation. It sucked that I had tried to even surpass compromise and go with exactly what she wanted and it still wasn't the right answer. When you fight about one thing for five months and you try your way, then you try every compromise, and then go full on with her way, and you're still being told you're wrong.....it sucks. Especially when it's the person you love and are trying to make happy no matter what.

I ended up in the place she hates, but in the place she has nothing to worry about as well. At Nikki's. It's not going to become a regular thing, no matter the case. I feel if we ever get to the point of hanging out again, it will be more of an outdoor activity, but in this case it was solitude. It's very easy to talk to her and very easy just to be there. If I don't want to be home, it's more relaxing there. For a brief moment it was a haven. It let me cool down a bit, but it doesn't fix any of my problems, only made one worse. There wasn't really a positive after effect. We relaxed, we talked about Meaghan, we talked about Nikki's girlfriend Lauren, probably some other stuff I can't remember. Machete girl, I think.

Around three I left, half asleep and not really ready to go, but this time it seemed even more urgent. We're not at a point where it would be appropriate for me to even sleep on her couch unless my legs were broken. She whispered after me, asking if I was okay, repeating it and then texting that she knew I heard her. Of course, I did, but what could I say? There didn't seem a solution to any part of the different problems I'm having, in that house. It was just solitude and hope that someone would help me. But Nikki can't help, as helpful as she can be. Or rather, she can't solve it. My health, our fights, etc.

I finally drove home and called Meaghan while popping pills. She kept repeating herself, asking where I was, both of us still mad, me more so, I think. It hurt more and more because I felt like we'd already had the fight, the BIG fight, and she'd refused the one thing I felt would help. What's more, she'd told me there was no way to help in general and then suggested something I'd already tried. The biggest issue was she was continuing to get upset with me and fight over the same thing as I was overdosing. I OD'd. Gently I suppose....but all I remember is the same argument as I blinked out. I have no memory of the call ending. She was still going on as the pills took me away.

All I remember about Monday is that I thought I was going to see Meaghan more than I did, and was angry because I thought she'd arrive for dinner like she said, especially if we had things to work out. She arrived after, but she'd spent the day with Christie and I knew how important that was for their friendship, so it wasn't a big deal. I wanted to talk about our problems, overall, in grand scheme of our relationship and she wanted to talk about the night before and my going over to Nikki's. So again....no communication. I would say more, but it would be pointless. Skipping to the ending, I was trying to cut myself or hurt myself using my belt, keys, etc. Until she pinned me to the bed and took everything away.

We made up, somewhat. I love her so much. And I'm surprised she's still with me after that display, I'd never done that in front of someone. But she knew I'd never hurt her physically. And so when she pinned me down, I wouldn't risk too much struggling. I can't do that to her.

Despite both events, I don't want to die, although I'm surprised I'm alive after Sunday. I was supposed to be in Charlotte. Everything was pushing me to go and everything rearranged so I could leave. And if I hadn't been arguing until the morning before, I would have.

Tuesday I was gone all day. I took Meaghan to get her blood taken for an annual test she has to take and took care of her and then we stopped and I got her lunch for being awesome and because it's a good idea after that sort of thing. Went to her house for a bit to hang with her sister and watch Meaghan clean her room some more. And then we went down to D-ville to have dinner with my dad and Michelle and Scott. Back to my house. Some alone time and then home at a decent hour while her sister waved erratically from the doorway. By the time I got home, I was beat.

Twelve hours later I came to. Decided I wasn't going to eat ever again, or at least for the day. Didn't for 24 hours and then when the sun went down I was on the prowl again. I ate. I drove around, desperately looking for a cure to something I can't. Ended up in the mall parking lot, Amanda called me back and then I went in to surprise Meaghan at work. She was happy.

Amanda and I met at Taco Mac and it was eerie how similar it was to a year ago almost when I first asked her there, that time for advice and help with a vastly different issue, but regarding the same people. I had less facial hair then I think. But only because now I'm depressed and running like a wolf, wearing the same clothes for days on end because I fall into bed in them and shaving is too much work. We talk about everything, including some of my recent issues, and how the medication might be making them extreme. It's never taken me this far to the brink before. I'm losing track of everything, my memory fades in and out, I'm talking to myself or not talking at all when I think I am. Can barely drive, don't want to eat or do much of anything and then I want to get out of this place. But only to wear myself out and wait until everyone here is asleep. It doesn't take long. Three hours and I need to lay down again.

Meaghan comes after work and I smile a bit more, I love her and I don't care who knows it. Despite our issues right now, I have faith we'll make it through. I really think the solution in all of it is letting go. And giving in to trust. We ate and talk with Amanda for another hour while I keep trying to figure out how I know the waitress. I still can't remember.

I come home, fall into bed, read the chapter Amanda gave me to review and then spend another hour telling her what I think of it so she'll be calmed for a bit. She gets in desperate need 0f support for her book. Talk to my girlfriend some more and here I am. It's taken hours to write this post because of what else I've been doing, but it's here and with my mood who knows when I'll return.

I texted Ashleigh and asked her to say something inspirational or motivational to me. I wasn't sure if I expected a reply or if she knew why I needed it. It wasn't to write. It was to keep moving. I'm sick, yet becoming too primal.

She wrote:

"One who looks into his heart shall surely succeed, but he who looks into his brain shall surely go insane."

I'm not sure if she meant it as good advice, which it is. Or if she was taking a jab at me, or possibly she just had Chinese tonight. But it helped and I thank her for that.

I'm just not sure which I've been doing. I feel like I'm leading with my heart and animal instincts, but it may only be because I was trying to lead with my brain before and it became too much and now I'm reverting. So maybe I went insane and now I'm running like a wolf looking for a cure to something that never existed in the first place.

Eleven Fifty Nine

2009-05-16T16:23:00.002-04:00

Amber is pregnant again. Right after I summed up my entry the other night, she got online and told me. If you remember, a month ago she vanished from my sight and even those that I could use to keep tabs on her. Saying that they couldn't afford the power bill or phone bills and everything was getting shut off. Saying goodbye in a cold way. And I let her. But knowing that people come back even if they don't assume they will. I could move to Japan and still run into people I know.

It's her fourth time. She miscarried the first three. The first, with the guy who tried to rape her, Alex. The second two with James, but her body wasn't willing to carry it through. Although the third time she was very pregnant before it happened, because I remember going to see a movie with her, tiny girl with a huge belly. And now again, this time with Matt. She seems neither happy or sad about it. More....concerned, yet willing. I wanted to yell at her, I wanted to comfort her, part of me even wanted to whisk her away from her situation and save her somehow. I settled for a combination of comfort and questioning.

It made me feel like I needed to go to Charlotte anyway. Another thing pushing me toward it. I spent the evening texting everyone I know, with various questions or comments while reading the first half of The Gargoyle. Why? I don't know. I just remember dimming the lights and standing in this bedroom in Norcross for long periods of time, just looking around.

I'm not going. I won't. It's being made easier because now my mother can't go, meaning Scott will bail. And now my grandmother can just pay for the one room and not worry about us. Or me, I guess. I don't want to rush away from here to find clothes that fit, to rush to them, to ride four hours with my sunglasses on, popping Klonopin and trying to maintain my composure while at the wedding and the party afterward. I'd end up in the hotel bathroom making some life altering decision or somehow closing the story that began in a place like that years ago.

Every once in a while everything shifts....all I can do is hope this doesn't kill me, fighting fate. And if I make it, just to try not to continue repeating history. But if I feel I made the right choices at the time, how can I not be doomed to repeat it? That's probably why it keeps happening....there's nothing to learn from if I feel I made the right decisions. Just to be more cautious.

Decisions

2009-05-15T19:38:00.002-04:00

I felt I shouldn't go the entire week without posting something real so I'm going to give it a shot. First, it should be said that I'm not drinking nor have I. And that the only person I've seen since I've been here is Meaghan, and when I went to visit my dad, of course. No one else has been invited except for Brittney who couldn't make it. And even though it's only Friday, I'm sad that I'm leaving to head home Sunday. The trains are the only noise here and it's nice. Solitude is good and even if I've been stuck at home a lot lately, it's different when you're actually alone.

My visit with Nikki before was because of a fight with Meaghan and it was to inform her we couldn't continue communication. It was hard to do, we spent a long time talking and it's very easy and comforting to be around her.

That being said, when Meaghan visited me yesterday, we had a huge fight about many things and I think we might be able to actually change things now. I don't know how this is going to happen, because if it were possible, you think we'd have done it months ago. But maybe something in that fight got through to both of us, and it was just in time, because I think it almost ended there. I don't know what this means, if Nikki is okay to be in contact with for real, if our disagreements about anything will be handled better, if we'll react differently maybe, more understanding or....I don't know. But I have hope. And I felt like this needed to happen for us to be able to make it. Especially with her leaving in the fall.

I'm not going to the wedding. It's a long story, the reason I felt I needed to. Mostly, because everything has been coming full circle in the last year, all the major players in my life have stepped through it again, and finally it coming around with Nikki especially, I felt going back to Charlotte would be the finale. I haven't been well, if there were ever a full circle it would be that. Because I decided to be with Ashleigh while at a wedding in Charlotte four and a half years ago and a lot of stuff within this time period have or had connections. It would be a fitting end.

Then I said fuck it. I see Fate, Trinity, etc around me all the time. Things aren't working out like I thought, and they will probably shock me even more. But I'm not going for the simpliest reason ever, because I feel like I have to go. And I'm not a pawn. If I'm going to die, I'll die and if I don't, I don't. But you're not going to tell me where to do it because it makes for a good ending.

Lack Of Knowledge

2009-05-13T16:57:00.002-04:00

Yesterday,

Lunch with Brittney. Lots of talking, drove straight to Meaghan's after that. Argue, food, movie, promises. Go to Nikki, talk, and talk, and talk. Nice talk. Break. Everything. Leave at four in the morning.

Today, Meaghan, more yelling. Her continuing to ask if I hate her. I kick her out. I love her.

I go to Norcross, watch a dog for a week. It's quiet here. I want to drink.

So I Thought I'd Let You Know....How These Things Take Forever, I Especially Am Slow.

2009-05-08T23:05:00.003-04:00

There's a large red sheet covering my window, it's been there for days now. And no, it's not to keep those Pulse ghosts out. It was too bright one night and it was late and also, I'm a crazy person. I know this because I've been deemed that before and also because the moon is HUGE tonight and I've been pacing like a wolf.

Been thinking about pot, a lot. Hahahahahaha. But no, but....mmmm Klonopin. Overdosed once, did I tell you? Four hour nap. But I was new. Then again, "may cause coma if overtaken." No coma for me. Just peace, so I don't...what....rampage the town? Descend into another seizure?

Have I told you what they're like? The seizures I mean. To the outside observer it's basically me collapsing, shaking a bit, getting stiff, turning blue and not breathing. Sure, that's part of it. I don't know if you'd call that dying, but from the look of the faces of those there when I wake up....Anyway, it's sweaty, spinny, feels like death. And then I'm not there, or I am. Don't even know if my eyes close most of the time. My ears ring. And then it's like a thousand voices swirling around my mind or around wherever I am. Not going to say I see people, but it's loud. And gray. Swirling, like you're inside a tornado. And it gets louder and louder until it's....not. And you're looking up at someone. Whoever happens to be there, I guess. Whoever saw you drop. And they look scared and they're talking, but you're still coming out of it. And then you do. And you might apologize, like me. And ask if they're okay. Usually this gets weird looks. You feel refreshed. It is, after all, a reboot of the brain when you survive, as most do. A brain orgasm maybe. Maybe like when you're laptop is like "fuck this, turn me off for a sec." I don't know. And then you feel rather good and not dead at all. But disoriented for a day or so, without even realizing you are.

I woke today for five hours, went back to sleep for one, drove to Meaghan's to find her gone, and I'm dreadfully tired again. That can't be healthy. But neither am I. I am medicated and very weak and sad and have depression and feel like I might die or my heart might give out and I'm afraid she'll leave me at some point for it. Because it's a little fucked up right now. Feels worse than ever, don't know how it looks.

Just typing this is wearing me out. That's not normal. That's like, cancer weak. Fuck. Don't have cancer, I hope. But still.

I love Meaghan. I'm grateful for those who listen to this, even if it seems like nonsense. And I'm grateful I had the year.

The Rest Is Still Unwritten

2009-05-05T19:56:00.002-04:00

Sometimes my post titles are original, sometimes they're because I'm watching The Hills.

I'd like to tell you what I did Sunday, so let me try to remember it. I was a spy, briefly. And it only made me feel bad about myself in general. The power I have over some of these people. Sometimes it's possible to have too much information. That's vague, but I'm a pretty vague sort of a guy.

It's come to my attention that my life is drawn along the east coast. Always centered around here in Georgia, down to West Palm, but no further, and up to NYC. But this isn't dependent on who I'm with or how my life is going. It just is.

Sometimes I feel like I tried too hard and this isn't where we wanted to be.

I finally sat down and talked with my mom today. We figured out some financial things and maybe I'll do some odd jobs. But right now, school and the doctor are top priority. It upsets me that I can't drive ten miles and then go to dinner without having to pop two Klonopin and then come home to crash for another day. But if that's what I need right now, to get the medication right and change my life is some little way, than that's it.

Besides that, yesterday was sleeping pill today, today I fought with Meaghan again, got some cash, and the school let me know most of, if not all of my fees will be taken care of. Not sure about the books yet.

Luck, road trips, and broken relationships, that's what little boys are made of.

At the moment, however, Meaghan and I seem fine and she'll finally be home from school this weekend. :)

Come Play With Us, Danny.

2009-05-03T14:11:00.002-04:00

Ugh.

I don't feel like writing this at all. I'm depressed and tired and the weather isn't wonderful and my girlfriend is studying for finals.

So I'll write more soon, but I wanted to check in. Meaghan and I spent the day together yesterday, went to see Wolverine which wasn't as bad as Chris claimed, but then again, I'm a fan. And then I made dinner and we hung out here all evening.

More soon. Soonly. Soonish. This week. Probably tomorrow, possibly Thursday.

No Longer Lost In The Plot

2009-04-30T16:35:00.002-04:00

Here's what bothers me. I have made it a point to compromise with Meaghan on certain things regarding Nikki and it's gotten to the point where I finally came to conclusion that I would limit contact to a large degree so that I'm not contacting her and we're only communicating when something bad and/or terrible happens.

One day, if Meaghan and I continue the way we are, I realize that there's a huge possibility that I'll have to completely break off all contact with Nikki. And I understand and accept that. However, at this point I can't hurt someone I know and rip them out of my life just because someone else wants me to. And to be honest, if I were the kind of person who could do that, I wouldn't be the guy Meaghan first met. That's just not me. And those around me agree, even those knowing the full story and pretty much a detailed account of what happened.

I know I hurt Meaghan back then and I understand why it bothers her and we've fought so much and I finally almost completely removed her from my life, this girl Nikki. I just wish that if I did all of this for Meaghan and then Nikki contacted me because her grandfather's in the hospital in ICU or I had to contact Nikki because her cousin has an underage "video" online, that Meaghan would meet me halfway and be at least understanding of it. In other words, not stop acting like herself and make me feel terrible.

Because sometimes I feel it's not so much understanding as it is just her being mad no matter what until I completely do as she says and remove someone from my life. And that's not a nice feeling. It's also not a nice feeling when my girlfriend says I can tell her anything and when I help Nikki by removing these videos from the web and getting her to alert her uncle about it, that Meaghan is pissed and when I ask how she feels about it, she finally just says "whatever." Because that's not the girl I know. Nor a girl I'd want to know.

It's a hard thing. And I don't know how it's going to work itself out. As I said, I believe eventually Nikki will have to be removed from my life if I marry Meaghan one day or I supposed get engaged first. And I'm willing to do that at that time. But for now, I've given up or changed a lot to handle this situation and I don't regret it, but she does need to meet me in the middle in some things and not push me toward other friends and away from her in these situations, because it makes me not want to be around that. I need the support of her in all things, not just the ones she likes.

Because things have changed now. Everything is different. Meaghan and I are together and I see her in my future for a long time. She has nothing and no one to worry about now. Things are good. But only if we can communicate and move past it. Too much stubbornness will tear us apart in the end and I don't want that.

Weight Loss For Sexual Favors

2009-04-30T03:25:00.002-04:00

I feel like a new era is upon me. It seems it might involve italics.

It's currently 3:29 AM and I'm not sleeping, but that's not too unusual. I just had a long conversation with Heather D. about everything from our problems, to BN, to writing, to whatever else. I confessed more secrets than I usually do, but they're my secrets to confess and if they involve coworkers, she won't spread rumors. And then I tried to talk to Meaghan a bit, but she seemed slightly wanting to and also slightly against it. It might just be because she can't seem to get to sleep recently, for many reasons, she's still up I think. Poor baby. I wish I could be up there to cheer her up. But she also seemed to turn down the idea of letting Scott and I pick her up tomorrow night and move some of her stuff back. It's all very strange.

I had a little relapse with my diet today, not much, but it upset me because I finally gave into that temptation and I shouldn't have. It was a waste of money and I'm not even hungry these days. My Klonopin steals carbonation and that's not a very nice thing either.

I think I need a fresh start on some things in my life, because I am depressed again and I admit it. Now how to get out of it? It's going to be hard, I've had good reason to be down.

There's much to discuss, but tonight...or rather this morning I'll end on this note. Ashley is quite possibly being thrown out down in Savannah where she's been residing with some of my grandparents. I hope it happens. It's a long, complicated tale, but she's been given too many chances and now she's affecting the health of those around her and she's basically spitting in the faces of those who helped her the most.

Should I sleep? Or should I watch this documentary on Hunter S. Thompson?

Multiply And Thrive, And The Strong Survive...

2009-04-27T18:33:00.002-04:00

Anyone else wondering if swine flu is going to decrease the population within a few months? No? Really? Huh.

Okay, so the Disney thing. Right. We talked about it already.

Someone distantly related to me died Saturday and it hit me a little harder than I thought. It was her time and she had been in bed for years. But this was someone I used to go to the beach with when I was younger and knew for many years before she got sick. Her husband Don is heartbroken even if it was 'time' since he also lost his daughter this year.

There was also a shooting at UGA this past weekend and three died. Meaghan and I didn't know any of those that were killed. But some of her friends knew the victims and one mutual friend knew them. It happened at a theatre we were in maybe six weeks ago.

Sadly, for a week I was stuck in or around my house. I literally didn't leave until yesterday when I successfully drove to Fridays for our monthly late night dinner. It was the smallest group we've had in a long time. But I did get to meet the new girl...Jessica? Jennifer? I wasn't paying enough attention. And they might take word back to BN so I may get a phone call, which would be good. It was just really good that I was able to drive even that short distance. It was a good day.

Florida All The Way

2009-04-26T13:29:00.002-04:00

Last week wasn't fun. I don't know if it was the medication or if I had the flu, or maybe a combination of the two. But I feel a bit better. The lack of driving is making me crazy, but I'll deal with it for a few more weeks.

I feel like there's so much to talk about, but the only thing I can think of is what's going on with Meaghan right now.

She got into the Disney program and is going to be in Florida during the fall semester. It's an amazing opportunity for her. And I'm happy she is going through with it. It is going to be hard on us and it makes me sad at times, but I know it's the best for her. She wants us to stay together through it and she'll have her new apartment when she comes back that January, so I know it's the best move for her. But I knew this was coming weeks ago and it's just hard to take. So I'll definitely be making some trips down to Orlando in the fall. Can't seem to keep myself out of Florida.

The Struggle

2009-04-21T18:27:00.002-04:00

It's so hard to sleep sometimes and I've learned another interesting fact about my wonderfully terrible medication. If you stay up til seven in the morning and then sleep for four hours, you'll feel even sicker than the day before!

Granted, I didn't want to sleep and was watching Doctor Who, but still.

I forgot to mention that I talked to Amber the other day. I told her it would be cool to see her and she texted me her address. I told her I couldn't come over right that second or that night because I was too sick to drive and she should let me know when she's free. She informed me that her phone was being cut off the next day and her internet gone, so she wouldn't be able to contact me again. And that they were having a garage sale to help pay the power bill. I don't know if I'll hear directly from her again, but....you know me, people come and go and come again, so there's every chance in the world I'll either never see her again or I'll run into her next week. It's fifty/fifty.

I feel terrible today and dad is sick so we didn't go see him tonight. We need to at some point though, because I have a bill to get to my stepmom soon.

And at the moment I'm trying to help Amanda find "purpose" for her chapters in her novel. She seems to be extremely happy about this and I'm enjoying it, so it's a good thing.

My girlfriend got hit by a soccer ball today. But she's pretty and blonde and I love her.

How Hard You Hit

2009-04-20T21:38:00.003-04:00

My dreams are better than reality so once I get to sleep, it's hard for me to want to wake up. Especially if the dreams only start after I wake up once.

Life consists of writing and various other things right now. I'm trying to manage the medication in....a better way. Hopefully it will help with the side effects. But for the moment I'm sick and I'm depressed. And I can't drive very often or very far at the moment.

I got to spend a good portion of the weekend with Meaghan though and that helps lift the mood a bit indeed. She's definitely the light in my life right now.

Can You Imagine?

2009-04-19T18:12:00.004-04:00

Can you imagine all the things I need to post about? The events and things that have transpired since my last post. However.....

I don't want to. And that seems like it might be an issue in the future. :)

But for now, let me say this. My doctor left the dosage at the same level, I can't drive, I rarely have somewhere to drive and I'm very drained even though all I did today was drive to Bogan and go to dinner with Meaghan and her family. I may be sick as well, so that doesn't help. But who would know? I run a temperature consistently.

I might write some randomness tonight or soon, but I really don't have the desire to write about my current state. I could write about your current state though, just hit me up and I'll start typing.

The Long Way Home

2009-04-08T19:13:00.002-04:00

I haven't left a real post here in just about a week and there have been several reasons why, but it doesn't really matter why. Just that I'm writing now.

There was a lot of fighting over simple and complicated things toward the end of last week between Meaghan and myself and I was truly scared for our relationship, but on friday she came over and we talked things out and made up, creating a plan to deal with these things in the future. We made some dinner and spent the evening together. And....

-is interrupted by an ice cream truck-

Saturday I spent here cleaning if I'm recalling correctly. Ran a few errands and saw Grammie, got my hair cut. I think it was fairly boring?

Sunday led up to the party in the afternoon and evening. We had about 25 people show up which is about what I expected and much better than the 40 it could have been, just because of our lack of room. Which wasn't so lacking since the rain didn't come when we thought it would and we moved some of the guests to the deck. Lots of family came, Meaghan and her immediate family as well. It was the first time all of the parents met each other. Along with them, Kristin actually showed up, Meaghan's friend Heather and several BN friends. I have to say it was probably the best birthday party I've had. Most of the guests left before seven, but the friends from work stayed until eleven at night and we played games and talked a lot. It was awesome. And Meaghan made me a lactose free cake! Which tasted amazing. The whole night was great.

On Monday, my actual birthday, Meaghan skipped class and spent the day with me. We went to Buffalo's for lunch and then came back here where she gave me Superman pjs :) and the new Blue October CD. We spent the rest of the day together napping, eating dinner and watching friends.

I'm used to things going wrong on or around my birthday, so all of this was a nice surprise and I'm very grateful for it.

Stolen Lyrics

2009-04-07T23:55:00.003-04:00

I'm bored and I put my Klonopin in my coke bottle causing it spill all over my floor, but I took more, so....-shrugs-

Here's a load of Blue October randomness.

The 21st. comes so soon every month
An anniversary of not being strong enough
You're much too co-dependent
A shrink is recommended

But yeah, who are the people you hang around with?
Who are the ones you're gonna call?
When you feel like ending it all?

-The 21st

And would it really phase me
If I had all the toys of
All the clumsy boys for you
And would it really kill you
If you would try to have a good time
Instead of screwing up mine
Like you usually do

-Mr. Blues Menu

A blackout in the room again
A busted lip and broken skin.
I wake up in the bathroom
And dare not bother asking
Why the mirror's craked and all I see
Are shards of glass inside of me.

-Weight Of The World

I don't wanna hear you say it
Now you're fucking with my pride

You think you're smarter than me
Well everyone knows you will never be smarter than me
That's how it goes
I gained forty pounds because of you
Was there an "S" on my chest
Well I confess, you were too much stress
I'd have a heart attack at best
So now I breathe it out, I breathe it out
I spit it on the crowd cause they lift me up, they lift me up, they lift me up

-Say It

You think you own me
You should have known me
You took the future and the food off my family's plate
You think you'll use me
I'm stronger than you
You take my money, but it's useless
When see what I do to you

I really think that this is fun for the money
We'll make you comfy for the time wasted making you rich

-Dirt Room

You're too scared,
Scared of all of it ...I get that feeling I'm talking to the wall
Can you hear me at all
My world was shaking my mind was quaking, my heart kept breaking
I threw it against the wall
Can anyone feel me at all

-Should Be Loved

Now think about your answer, laying face down on the bed
I cocked the pistol pulled the trigger and all I saw was red
I gently stroke her arm as she lies lifeless on her back
Then placed the barrel in my mouth
All I saw was black.

-The End

I've got this post dramatic thing
I've got this tattoo of a ring that lies
around my wedding finger and that'ss where I want to state this claim.
That I've got to learn to live and dream
before I go and get myself in love.

-The Answer

It's just a trip not a way to ease your pain
Self help...Tell another shrink the same damn thing
Stay cool, everything is going to be OK
I think it's about time to ease your pain
Until you decide to drop again

-Drop

Do you ever wonder
How hard you hit?
You broke my thunder

-Conversation via Radio

Comitted at twenty two
Just to get over you
My belly aches blue
Lorazepam flu
I'm down for the count
Always three times a day
Sometimes four
A bee stings right through the arm
The high swing I ride upon
My eyes can't quite focus on
The nurse with my Lucky Charms
Well a two step was just a laugh
Our boundaries were broke in half
It's a good thing to know
As you walk into group for the show

knock-knock on the window pane
My smoke break, the hour rang
My quiet roommate sleeps the same
Woke up when dinner came
The man's no more than forty old
Arrived scared two days ago
A family of earth and gold
But still nottheless alone
I learned quick. Knew what to say
Then three angels walked my way
In Spanish tongue they knelt to pray
And said "God keep him safe
From screaming voices"
They became my family
Outstretched their hands are on my head
You know, I can feel them breathing
They actually knelt down and prayed for me

-HRSA

We Drive
To leave the past and clear the mind
to watch the sunset set its time
I swear you'll find
I'm your ride home

-She's My Ride Home

I want to swim away but don't know how

Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down

-Into The Ocean

I'm glad to say that we've met
But I'm sad to say that the circumstances weren't
On our side

-What If We Could

I'm sick of shaking
never waking
from the hell I achieve
I never knew you till you left me
with the crying disease

-X Amount Of Words

I assemble all the sand that cover wedding beaches
To build a castle so your mom would have a place to stay
Behind the water slide and down the hill where heaven reaches

-Sound Of Pulling Heaven Down

Delay the hurtful words
Of complicated overcast
Please take the message that I'm
Picking up my chin at last
I said my confidence
It gets stronger when you're next to me
But we pray from miles away
In quest for what we long to be

-Everlasting Friend

In the day by day collision
Called the art of growing up
There's an innocence we look for in the stars
To be taken back to younger days
When there was no giving up
On the people we held closest to our hearts

-Razorblade

There's something that I can't quite explain
I'm so in love with you
You'll never take that away
And if I've said it a hundred times before
Expect a thousand more
You'll never take that away

Well expect me to be
Calling you to see
If you're OK when I'm not around
Asking "if you love me"
I love the way you make it sound
Calling you to see
Do I try too hard to make you smile?
To make us smile

-Calling You

I'm like a storm cloud eager when you go out
Calm again
I'll ask permission for the wrong to win
Drop the bomb and get your story out and get it on
In a haze the beginning of your days
Gonna fall down
Got to get back up but at your own pace
Got to fill your cup and find the way
Out of your own maze
Yeah boy what you said now

-Inner Glow

Come dancing with devils
Need not to know their names
We'll waltz like an army
For the fear of our pain
Our souls become useless
As the day they were born
In a rusted arm rocking chair
Away from your storm

-Come In Closer

A slow strangle with your feet on the floor
I've got 14 angels and we're sleeping alone
In the back of a cave, where the rest of us go
To feel normal

I call baby up. Leave me alone.
I'm in pain but I won't let you Band-Aid my wound
I am mad at a stage where I can't even handle my own
-A Quiet Mind

Too Drugged...

2009-04-07T23:24:00.001-04:00

...to post.

Where Do I Begin, My Love?

2009-04-04T20:36:00.003-04:00

I realize I haven't been posting for the latter half of this week.

And some of you may have noticed that there was a post that was later deleted. I know that too.

Hopefully after my birthday everything will fall back into place and I can give you more interesting things to read. The party is tomorrow. My birthday is Monday.

It's Wednesday

2009-04-01T15:10:00.003-04:00

I'm running on four hours sleep.

Got more blood taken this morning. Made phone calls to and from GPC and GGC. And went to sign some paper work.

I don't know what else to write. I'm starting to feel like it really doesn't matter how fast I fix what keeps breaking. I'm getting that feeling like you made up your mind a while ago and I'm just bracing myself for it. I'll try until they rip me to shreds though.

A House Of Cards

2009-03-29T16:37:00.002-04:00

Yesterday Meaghan and her sister, Kelly, came over before the show and I had ordered some pizza for us, mine without cheese of course. We ate and talked about the upcoming party and other stuff and let the dogs get used to the new person in the house. It was nice and the leftover pizza is still feeding the family I think.

Then we left for the ballet. I really shouldn't have driven, but I didn't really have an alternative. I felt out of it and sick most of the evening and really wasn't doing well on the way down there. However, I didn't have much alternative, and my final choice would have been Meaghan, but she seemed uncomfortable with it and recently told me she would lie to me about things like that even if she was uncomfortable. Which sort of makes me wonder how she really plans to be driving up to Athens and around the area, but it's her business. I have decided to make sure I'm not driving enough that far again or going far myself until the medication is worked out and I feel safe with my driving again.

The show was amazing. Really good. It was Swan Lake and it was the first time they did that at the studio. Gia was the lead and I have a feeling she'll keep the leading role throughout next year as well until she leaves for college. Saw Alexis and Dee there and got to talk to Kiki for a minute before we left. We didn't stay for the part where all the dancers come out to the front lobby at the end for the simple fact that I don't know any of this group besides Gia. I grew up there sure, and then worked there for a bit, but that ended four years ago and I didn't really make friends with them. Unless you count Grace I suppose.

Many Times Before...

2009-03-28T16:03:00.002-04:00

There's not much to report besides incredibly long phone calls about possible money making opportunities in the future and letting Tracey know about the results from the doctor. I'm only watching her kids on that Tuesday now, so my money is cut by half. Which is sad, but also alright, because I'm not really looking forward to it.

I had a bit of an incident on the way to Meaghan's house last night. I'm hoping it's just because the medicine isn't quite in my system yet, because it left me without the feeling of panic, but I ended up getting dizzy to the point of needing to pull over and was shaking like crazy. It's troublesome and to be honest, I'm worried about it. Hopefully, the longer I take it, the better it will get.

I also went through 15 pages of rewriting today and only came out with one. That's the problem with this thing. The first 200 pages have so much personal stuff and not enough of a storyline for it to be allowed in the book.

Light Up, Light Up

2009-03-27T15:50:00.004-04:00

I got my emissions done this morning and passed everything, so I went ahead and paid for my tag online and it should get here in a few days.

My medication doubles starting today to bring me up to the point where I can get the test done next week. Hopefully it won't cause any issues. I'm feeling a lot better about it after hearing everyone's thoughts on the subject.

I've been thinking about two things, one is that I might start a blog with shorter entries, just about my writing and my progress on it. And the other is a blog I can collaborate with someone on. The latter I'm not sure about if only because I don't really like putting my actual writing online anymore and I'm not positive about how or what we'd put in it.

I feel like my sleeping has improved a bit, but it's still off and on insomnia. I just don't like going to sleep, I hate it. But then I can't wake up because I really want to sleep. It's a little crazy.

As If You Have A Choice, Even If You Cannot Hear My Voice...

2009-03-26T14:39:00.002-04:00

There's not much to say about that second half of Tuesday. We had dinner with dad and Scott and I played Wii baseball and golf. And we ended up taking flowers and some medicine to Michelle. I'll talk more about her situation soon, but it's under wraps for now.

Yesterday was my follow up with the neurologist. After a lot of talking and finding out the MRI and EEG showed nothing, he told me it's epilepsy. Or at least that type of seizure. After hearing the different types and realizing that unless it's something well hidden, it's not anything else, I accepted this. It was very upsetting and I went through many emotions in the first few hours, but to be honest, it's going to be a positive thing. Knowing what to call it doesn't make it worse, it's not suddenly as if I have the kind you automatically think of where flashing lights affect you, and the worst part of it are the blood tests. My worst fear is the possibilities of having to try many different medications and the side effects. It might make my life better though. I talked to everyone or have heard from everyone about it.

Talked to old work friends, BN work friends, Meaghan of course, relatives, Nikki, Amanda, Steph, etc all about this and it all was good advice and positive outlooks.

Kristin then IM'd me and told me she'd finally been cheated on by someone in a worse way than I did. I won't go into her specifics, but I find it humorous for the simple fact that she turned around and did the same to me months later. Granted, mine was worse involving topless girls and staying involved with one of them until that one went mad, but there were obviously reasons on both sides for all of that.

Speaking of Nicole, I don't know what to think. I try to be supportive of her time in Hawaii, but I read and hear about these things she gets herself into and I lose a lot of respect for her.

Today I started on the rewriting of my novel. Actually making it into the novel I've wanted, finally. Five pages a day rewritten. Of course that means when I rewrite them, it can be anywhere from two to eight pages. I think it's coming along well.

Summer Time, Think It Was June...Yeah, Think It Was June

2009-03-24T14:05:00.002-04:00

I haven't written in a while, mainly because I've been trying to hold things together while being productive at the same time. Which, you probably know, can be difficult if the things falling apart are important to you.

The blood test results came back clean and so that rules out diabetes or anything like that. Tomorrow is the follow up with the neurologist that will answer my questions about the other tests I took and where I go from here.

Thursday night I went to dad's for dinner and ended up confronting him about politics and my birthday party. I got the answers I needed, but it took an hour or more to get it out of him and we were there fairly late. Then advised Scott on coming out of the closet on the ride home. His friends all know, but the family has no idea and while it's not a big deal to him, he's worried about the reactions I think and how to go about it. Finally was able to make it home so I could really sit down and talk to Meaghan and got an unpleasant response in return. Which kicked off several days of arguing. Our relationship has been struggling in one particular area and I'm hoping it gets better.

She was upset with her friend Christie and then with me. And then both of us, I suppose. And I could go on and on about it all, but most of the time it's because she's either not paying attention or assumes I'm trying to say something I'm not. I have one issue with how she reacts in our relationship and she's spent the better part of the time fighting against that. In my mind, if you know how to make something better and have the capacity to do it, but then decide not to even when the fighting continues, that spells trouble. I'm not going to go into specifics here today because, quite frankly, I'm tired of it. But it is something we're dealing with at the moment.

Friday we saw Grease at her old high school with her sister, Christie, Christie's sister and Allen. It was really good, I enjoyed it a lot more than I thought I would. And Saturday we ran some errands after I picked up the hard copy of my 800 page soon to be book. That evening I went with Meaghan's family to play bunko at Christie's house. It was a really good night.

Sunday was Grammie's birthday and we went to dinner for her and invited her friend Joyce to come along as well. It was an Italian place I didn't think I knew, until I got there and realized I'd been there before, once with Kristin's family and once with some of my own I believe.

And yesterday, to be quite honest, I did nothing. I gave up. I was up until eight in the morning the night before and fought and/or was hurt by Meaghan for 24 hours.

Today is going pretty well though. I hope things with Meaghan will improve in the future because otherwise when a big enough fight comes along we're going to fall apart because the issue is with how we resolve this stuff and that's why it scares me. My application is complete for GPC and my insurance troubles are gone for now. I'm going to wrap up here in a bit and then go to dad's for a while. I think I might come home and go straight to bed after that, but that could be last night's sleeping pills talking.

Afraid To Tell The Ones You Love, You Know They Couldn't Deal...

2009-03-18T10:50:00.000-04:00

Still no word yet on the blood test results, but I'm trying to be hopeful about all of it. The thing is, what do you hope for in a situation like this? I know I have a problem, so do I hope they find something and just hope it's not too bad or do I hope for nothing? To be honest, "nothing" sounds nice, but that wouldn't really help my condition much. So it's a weird feeling.

If you didn't watch Kings on Sunday, I think you should check it out. I really enjoyed it and was upset that it debuted more poorly than they hoped. They should have left it on Wednesdays like planned, I think the switch may have fucked up it's chances, but we'll see how it goes. On a similar note Kyle XY "ended" on Monday with the worst series finale in the history of history and I'm considering boycotting ABC Family.

Yesterday I went and picked up my immunization records from the health department and sent in my financial aid, so all of that is moving in the right direction. Then we went to dad's house and the park for a few hours and had dinner at his place. Drama free night until I got home and my mom was.....I don't know....there was a fight between her and Greg. Drinking was involved, so was her condition. It was a thing.

Discussed it with her this morning and she apologized, made her promise not to drink the day of the party and to make sure Greg was gone for it as well. She agreed to all conditions very smoothly. I'm a bit worried about this party, by the way. The guest list of those who have RSVP'd in a variety of ways is up to about 23 or 24 and I started it Monday night. Also worried about my dad causing a scene. And how my family and Meaghan's family get along. I'm trying to make it as nice as possible.

So far today I've dropped off an old computer battery at Best Buy to be recycled and bought a book from Barnes and Noble, stopping to talk to a few work friends. Hope the day goes well.

Lost In The Plot

2009-03-16T19:19:00.000-04:00

I spent most of last week with my beautiful girlfriend Meaghan because she was on spring break and it was really nice. The latter half of the week involved a bunch of hanging out as well. I love her and spending time with her.

Now Friday was my EEG. And it made me very nervous, I'm not gonna lie. Meaghan was very sweet and stayed with me during the whole thing and held my hand, even pushing back her trip to the lake this past weekend by several hours just to sit with me. It wasn't a big deal after all. They basically attached a bunch of things to my head and read my brain. I had some bad panic symtoms and it really drained me, but in the end it wasn't that bad. The results probably won't be known for a few weeks when I go in for the follow up. She stayed with me for a few hours after to make sure I was okay. Did I mention I love her?

Saturday I didn't do much that springs to mind. The one big thing that happened was I talked to Nikki. Over the phone, not face to face, cause I'm not sure that will ever happen. She seemed ready to talk, yet very scared and ashamed to talk to me. We discussed a lot of stuff, I filled her in on my medical issues and she brought me up to date on her life. Then we discussed the past and why she did what she did. We decided that it would be nice if we could talk again, but that it might not result in a friendship or anything at all, it could backfire. She talked about Lauren a lot and stuff I shouldn't put online because it involves the law possibly and that whole situation. I don't approve of what she's doing and it's a lot of stuff that upsets me because, well, it should and it does. We'll leave it at that. I'm glad we talked though. It's good to have that behind me.

Yesterday I got the three of us, Grammie, Scott and I signed up for the Peachtree online and spent the evening with my Meaghan. I promised to sing to her and I did and then we sang to each other, it was geeky, yet awesome.

Today I went for the final test of the moment and got my blood taken. I was very worried about it, but the woman taking the blood was a pro and even after four vials, I was fine. The follow up is next week. I also received confirmation of my high school transcripts arriving at GPC and the ones from GGC are on their way still.

Also busy inviting and setting up plans for my birthday gathering in a few weeks. Apart from that....a ton is going on and I'm thinking up ways to make some extra cash.

All The Right Things At Exactly The Right Time, But He Means Nothing To You...

2009-03-12T16:33:00.000-04:00

I've been really stressed out and going back and forth in my head about stuff lately. With everything that's going on, it's hard to remember what I've talked about and what I haven't. For example, at some point I'm going to need to discuss my living situation and moving options with you guys. I don't even remember if I told everyone about that drama. But for now, we're dealing with my transferring schools and medical issues.

Both of which are moving along rapidly and in the right direction I hope. My transcripts from my high school should arrive at GPC soon and the ones from GGC were requested for the same purpose, today. Hopefully they will include my Compass scores so no additional testing is required. I got a letter from the FAFSA today saying it was still waiting on my acceptance there before they can tell me how much I get, if any. The plan is to finalize it all by April so the insurance doesn't lapse and I can begin my online classes in June.

As far as my medical condition goes, some days it's bad and some it's decent. On Tuesday I went and got my MRI done and tomorrow I have another test. I probably won't know much about it or any upcoming testing until my follow up on the 25th.

This week has been stressful yet nice because Meaghan has been home for spring break. There were a few fights, but as usual, we seem to be making progress. And that makes me breathe a sigh of relief. For the most part, we've been having a great week over here, at her house, playing frisbee, going to the movies, going to dinner at dad's, etc. She baked me cookies yesterday. It was so sweet. I love her so much. And she's being very supportive with my medical issues. She realizes this week is hard for me and even some of next week. I'm grateful to have her support with this.

Say X Amount Of Words

2009-03-08T12:05:00.000-04:00

So yesterday was the official three month anniversary of Meaghan and me. :) There was a bit of an argument at the end, but I really feel like we're making progress and it lightens things up a little. So on to the good stuff.

We didn't do anything too exciting to celebrate, but we had a really great time and we did what I enjoy the most in our relationship. Not that! ...Okay, we did that too and it's probably tied with the first thing, but we talked and just cuddled in bed. And after a week of not seeing her, that's the best thing in the world.

We watched Baby Mama, which was actually a decent comedy and talked a lot. Ordered some Chinese without feeling too guilty because my tax money finally came and just enjoyed our time together. It was a really nice evening.

Late Night In The Dark

2009-03-08T05:21:00.000-04:00

I've been sitting in pitch black for hours listening to music on ipod. Already heard a few dozen songs so lets see how far I get from this point on.

Fisher-Nothing Is Real=5:23

Repo! The Genetic Opera-Legal Assassin=5:27

Stereophonics-Lolita=5:30

Snow Patrol-It's Beginning To Get To Me=5:34

Fooling April-Monet=5:38

Foo Fighter-Overdrive=5:42

Postal Service-Grow Old WithMe=5:47

Something from West Palm, idk=5:49

Something I Wasn't Sure Of, But I Was In Middle Of...

2009-03-07T12:21:00.000-05:00

First, I want to say that I'm grateful for the opportunities I've had over the last year for getting closure and tying up loose ends in the way I have. Even if it hasn't been happy endings all around, I've liked being able to see certain people for the final time and being able to say what I need to say to them and those that are still around.

I had my consultation last Thursday and this coming week I have blood work, an MRI, and an EEG. I'll let you know how it turns out and what the results are, when I get them all back over the next few weeks. I didn't really enjoy the appointment and if I have a seizure while under their care, I could lose my license for a bit. At the moment, I'm probably not really supposed to be driving as it is, for another few weeks at least, however it's not been reported and it's not something that hits me suddenly enough to make me overly cautious.

Not much more has happened except more horrible conversations with Meaghan about Nikki. I'd recently talked to Nikki through text and had thought about meeting her in a neutral place to discuss things in the past and gain a little more closure and to inform her about my medical stuff. Since it's her spring break, it made sense. But Meaghan barely allows the discussion even when trying to find a way to include her in it, thinking she might feel better, and after more long talks about it, I come to the conclusion that I can't see Nikki right now even if I feel it's best because what I want to be and what is, are two different things. I understand where Meaghan is coming from, but once again, I'm not getting that same understanding back. Even when it's a simple discussion about the person. It just brings me down because I realize that things aren't how I wish them to be in our communicating and I hope we're able to fix that in the future. It's just really making me sad in general because it's a hard thing to handle.

Into The Ocean, End It All

2009-03-04T16:35:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I took the morning to get things done over at GGC. Luckily, things were different than last time and all I needed was my adviser's signature and a little bit of a conversation with him. I turned in the form and got it all taken care of before the deadline. The only other things I need to deal with, with school and this issue, is getting my transcripts soon and waiting for word on what I owe or don't owe.

My appointment with the neurologist is tomorrow afternoon, the consultation, so it won't be much I guess, but it's a start. Spending today filling out all the paper work for that stuff.

Had some health issues last night that I don't really want to share....and I've been dizzy all day.

The insurance may not be an issue, I feel better about it. We'll have to wait and see I guess.

Other than that, I'm organizing my writing a bit and found the Sims, so I've been playing that when I get bored. It's all rather depressing, but it's something.

Is There Blood On Your Hands, Do You Dream Of White Sands?

2009-03-02T18:04:00.000-05:00

So much is happening, it's hard to know what to write or when. I'll do the best I can.

There's been friction with my dad and stepmom. And its hard to explain and hard to go into, but one of the things, besides the insurance, was the copy of my book Michelle was supposed to be getting to me by Christmas that never came to be. To the point where it was overly complicated and I finally asked for my USB drive containing it, back last week. I got it back and I'll deal with it myself, the point being it's in my hands instead of other people's. Because I feel like letting too many people in, in that regard, slows my life down to the point where I can't accomplish my goals.

Kylie had more seizures/mini strokes Thursday night and I had to deal with that. Very disturbing and it took her a while to get back to normal. There's not much to say to that besides that I held her and helped her get through it all.

I finally got to the doctor again, trying to use the new insurance on Friday, but it wasn't active and it was a hassle that made me late for a play in Athens with Meaghan and really upset me with all that was going on in the last week, because I had to go to the doctor and then return there again that evening to clear up the insurance and it didn't even get cleared up until Sunday. So I was late to the play and ended up having to sit in my car until intermission so I could get in.

The rest of the play was good although we were disappointed I was late. And knowing someone in the play and having our friend Heather D. with us, we went to IHOP really late and got some dinner. Meaghan and I eventually went back to her dorm and stayed up late talking and doing stuff until crashing around three or four in the morning.

Saturday I took her to meet Heather P. and her other future roommate and they signed their lease for next fall. We then proceeded to try to have lunch with this girl's parents when they really didn't want to come eat with us. It turned into this whole thing that led us into downtown Athens where we circled for almost 20 minutes and eventually gave up, frustrated, leaving Heather to have lunch with them while we found a place close to the dorm to eat.

My car ended up breaking down and then working decently right after, but it's still making me uneasy and it led me to leave Athens a day early. It upset both of us, but I had to take care of it and at least get my car home. So Grammie and Granddaddy came up, we made sure the car wouldn't overheat and then he rode back with me while Grammie followed me to their house and we talked a lot, about a lot. I stayed there for dinner and made it home without many complications.

Sunday I dealt with a bunch of school related stuff and applied to the college where I'll now be taking online classes for the summer. Meaghan and I didn't get to spend much time talking and it upset me a lot. We fought and I hate that. She ended up going to her friend's dorm for a sleepover after and I went to bed early, texting a few people for support with everything along the way. Not too much to say about Sunday, I wasn't up for ten hours...

Today involved getting my transcripts from high school sent to the other college, dealing with insurance issues that still aren't resolved, lots of phone calls, and getting an appointment for the neurologist for Thursday. Meaghan finally got back to her dorm this afternoon and we've been talking some stuff out. So much is going on. It's just way too much to deal with right now, and too much to talk about.

Look At The Stars, Look How They Shine For You...

2009-02-25T03:01:00.000-05:00

Today has been stressful. Last night I popped one Klonopin and one sleeping pill to silence myself enough to fall asleep by 3:30. That's probably the earliest it's been in a week. And could barely bring myself to wake up this afternoon. I slept almost 11 hours and just wanted more darkness. It's been a rough week.

Meaghan and I fought. Big fight over a bunch of small fights. I'm just tired of it. We don't need to be fighting over the same things every other day. Especially when it's because of a communication problem. We get into a cycle where I end up talking at her because she won't speak. And it's frustrating. Because I feel like I'm pushed into a corner where I can't leave the phone conversation early to avoid it, I can't talk it out or even argue it out because I'm not getting a response, and I can't leave after talking for 20 minutes because those are all the wrong answer in the situation. She doesn't realize that's how it is on my side and is working to communicate better, but I just don't know. We yelled at each other this evening and wore ourselves out, but I just hope it gets better. She's not to blame for all of it, I am as well. But if I'm put in a corner where she's telling me she's communicating better or handling it better by "staying on the phone" that frustrates me because it makes it sound like I'm the one with the problem and causing it by leaving. The thing is if I can't leave the conversation and the "conversation" is me talking to myself, that's not good. It's not my communication problem when I'm the one talking and trying to find the solution and she's sitting in silence. That doesn't mean she's handling it better by not leaving first, that just means she doesn't know how to deal with it.

Yes, I could give in all the time and try to tell her what she wants to hear, but that's not always the solution and I don't like thinking I have to solve all our problems by myself. That's not a steady relationship. She's good at talking and helping when the fights get big, but I don't think she realizes we can't break the silence of the little fights if we keep it up. And yeah, we may be able to last like that, but it doesn't seem healthy. So obviously I want to fix it.

My mom and I talked and I'll go even more indepth about school later, but starting tomorrow I'm talking to my financial aid guy and she's looking into some online classes for me that start in March. I don't know how that will effect my insurance at this point.

Meaghan's week is stressful. Mine is stressful. Both for different reasons. But we'll have a good weekend when it gets here.

Why The Gloves Came Off Part 2

2009-02-24T21:59:00.000-05:00

So I thought I'd be posting more the day of, but that didn't turn out to be the case. At this point I still haven't heard anything from my adviser. My math teacher is being as supportive as he can be, but it's not that simple. And to be honest with you, I don't know where it's heading. I haven't been to school in a week. And today I missed a test in history. I just didn't go.

I feel like I'm giving up. I requested help with my issues as far as they effect school and that was last Thursday. It's Tuesday night. And as far as family goes, I'm not getting much in the way of help. Not that I'm expecting a big change, but they can only be supportive. And my dad doesn't really want to hear it. Meaghan is being encouraging, but I think I've almost given up on it. Not forever. I may even end up in online classes soon, but I don't know if I'm going back to that place. When you miss four weeks of a class and it's been eight, and going through the medical side of it....I've lost my reason to keep going. I've been trying to find a solution so I don't mess up the insurance and get into the doctor. That's my only motivation.

Why The Gloves Came Off Part 1

2009-02-19T04:18:00.000-05:00

I'm going to have to start at the end and work my way backwards. Hopefully by the time I post this Blogspot will have fixed my fucking page and you won't have to search the archives for this.

It's 4:20 in the morning as I type and I'm still awake because when your life gets sucky you lose the urge to sleep or when you do sleep, you lose the urge to open your eyes ever again. It's a thing.

I just emailed both my math teacher and then my adviser concerning my condition. Hmmmm. Okay, here's what I sent my adviser:

"Things aren't really going as well as I'd hoped. I'm having some medical issues continued from last semester that I haven't finished dealing with involving seizures and while I thought they were linked to panic attacks, I've been getting the symptoms, extreme vertigo, dizziness, and heart issues at times when nothing is going on. On a medication to stop this in the moment from progressing into me either passing out or something like that happening as that is what leads to the seizures. I'm worried about it happening in class because it happens on campus a lot and it's making things very difficult for me. Because if I don't actually "pass out" or have a seizure there, my body is still going through whatever it does and sometimes leaves me in a shock like state, it's very draining on my body and mind, and very upsetting/depressing.

Even more so because the insurance I have that's finally become active hinges on me being full time in college and I've been missing several classes sporadically over the last several weeks. I was wondering if we could discuss any additional options I may have for handling this. Either via email or in person. I'm worried I'll eventually be dropped from some of these classes for missing too many. I really just want to make it through the semester even though I'm dealing with this even if that means accepting lower grades for attendance and possibly failing classes that are harder for myself, like math.

It's difficult for me because this is affecting all areas of my life right now. I'm hoping to have an appointment with a neurologist next week now that the new insurance has kicked in and can begin truly resolving these issues."

So that's what I've sent and maybe that at least slightly boils my condition down for you. I get the feeling I'll be posting more however.

Valentines Day

2009-02-16T14:16:00.000-05:00

So I'm going to start with the good stuff that happened this past weekend and talk about the drama in a later post. Because my Valentines weekend was amazing.

So starting with Friday, we left Meaghan's house late after Lauren and her were ready to go and went into Atlanta for Amanda's murder mystery birthday party. There was a little bickering between Meaghan and myself toward the beginning and end, but otherwise it was a great night. I had a blast pretending to be Lucky Numbers, the lotto winner, and meeting a bunch of Amanda's friends. Some we already knew, but some were new. And they were all very cool and most of us stayed in character until the game was done. It was worth the drive, definitely.

Saturday was the best Valentines Day I've ever had. I picked up Meaghan around two and we went to see a movie of her choice and then out to dinner at Buffalos before the crowds got into it. We ran an errand afterwards and then headed back here for the evening. We exchanged gifts and used some new toys and had a great night. That part of it got cut short and we ended up back at her house until later that night, but we didn't let the change in plans ruin our day. I had an amazing time and I hope she did as well. I love that girl.

I've Seen Angels Fall From Blinding Heights

2009-02-11T23:56:00.000-05:00

They wait and watch from the highway, the shores, the hotel and the glass elevator of a city that will never be a part of his future now. They're trapped. Stuck in a city without anyone to follow. Well, almost no one. There's the slight chance they'll find her, but even if they sought her out, would they recognize her for what she is now? Things are so different now.

Yes, I left them there. This wasn't planned. I didn't intend to trap them. They may look like children, but they aren't. They're....something else. And when I left for the last time, I made sure they couldn't follow. I deeply apologize if they find her, but I highly doubt they will. She's too different now.

My version of Heaven is somewhere on the beach, near sunset. With the Gin Blossoms playing, cigarette smoke, not from me, from someone else. Not even alone. But with my daughter and her. I think. Maybe not....maybe too hazy to see who it is. No, it's never EXACTLY her, that's why Grace showed up, remember? But those feelings, from back then. It has nothing to do with being stuck in the past. I'm living my future. But I know what made me happiest and if we could fix the world to our liking or make our own heaven, that would be mine. That's been mine for years now, it has nothing to do with other people. It has to do with what I almost had, and what I'd like. And memories mixed with what I wanted in the end. It's not possible quite like that ever again. But maybe I can find something like it one day. Maybe I have someone now who can make me happy like that and that I can make happy in return. Maybe all you have to do is enjoy life as much as possible and find someone to enjoy it with.

We're moving to the fucking beach though. Not that one, but somewhere nice, warm, where it rains for no reason, I can sit in the waves and feel the breeze and watch our children run down the sunny beach chasing the birds, while thinking up ideas for the next novel.

Rock and roll.

She Hit The Edge, It's Just Her Window Ledge

2009-02-10T19:33:00.000-05:00

The last two days of school have been really stressful. I'm having bad reactions with whatever condition I have and it's draining me more than ever. It's becoming painful for me and I know there's something wrong. And it leaves me on the edge of passing out or convulsing. And I don't know. All I know is the insurance is going to be tied to my being in school. And that it's still not taken care of.

Brittney came by for the money this afternoon and we talked for a bit, we might have lunch next week. It's progress.

Preparing for this weekend and studying for tests this week.

I really thought I had more to say....I'm just really tired.

The World Keeps Spinning

2009-02-08T18:57:00.000-05:00

This was a really amazing weekend. There are some things that I feel like I should rant about and get off my chest, but I'll save that for next time, because I want to talk about the upside of things.

Friday I found out for sure that the money is mine and immediately put it in my account. It seemed like a lot at first, but I'm realizing it's not going to last too long. It will, however, make next week easier, along with clearing up a few things and helping with the credit cards. Still can't wait for the tax money though. On the other hand, I finally was able to get in touch with Brittney and found out how much I owe her. She wasn't in the best mood though. I'm getting a little sick of it actually.

Friday night Alex, Lauren, Meaghan and myself met at Meaghan's house and carpooled to the bowling alley. It was a really good night involving two good bowling games and then a session of lazer tag. We stopped and the girls got milkshakes before heading back to Meaghan's house. We sat in the basement and traded B&N stories until almost two in the morning. It was a really great night. Lots of funny.

Saturday I slept late and then did some homework. In the evening I cooked dinner for Meaghan and then we watched Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist and had a great evening. We were celebrating our two month anniversary as an official couple. It was an amazing night and I was very sad when she had to leave. I'm very glad she's in my life.

Today I actually didn't get to see her. It was a mutual thing, mostly because her parents have been on her about not being around enough when she's home and so I told her to stay with them today, go to church, etc. And she did that and I got a lot of homework done. It's been a productive and really nice weekend overall.

I love you sweetie.

What's This About?

2009-02-05T20:06:00.000-05:00

Well, what can I tell you? Um....I'm worried about my health, but the ball is finally rolling and maybe I'll have some answers soon. The process of bringing my health insurance back to life is going to take a little longer than I thought. Michelle has to wait til Monday or Tuesday and do some paperwork for me. It's okay....I guess, it's still the fastest this is going to happen. But it won't be next week and I haven't heard word of my rough draft either.

I've added a few more people to the list of those who know about my blog here. Hopefully that won't come back to bite me in the ass, because I'm adding a few more soon enough.

So, I recommend watching Smallville this season. If you're new to it, have a week marathon and catch up. And if you stopped watching it because Clark wouldn't tell Lana he's superman, then come back now. Lex is broken, Lana and Lois are on the show, not to mention Doomsday. It's the best season yet and they're not even paying me to write this. They should totally pay me though.

I made it to class today and everything seems to be back to normal if I can maintain it. Also made a bunch of phone calls, trying to get in touch with Britt because we still owe some money and I haven't heard from her in weeks.

Went down to dad's to basically just fill up my gas tank and come back. He's sick this week. Not at his best, so I played with the puppy and came back home. But I made some cash, so it worked out alright.

So...I received a check from the school for an amount of money I'm not going to say here, but I'm not sure why it's here. Why did they send me a check made out to me? Unless it's my claw card money and they've taken it off my card and sent me actual money? And if not, then what? I mean, even if my grant covered more than what I used, they wouldn't send me cash. It's just sort of strange and I've emailed them. I'll keep it if it's right, but I don't want to cash anything until I know for sure. It's a good bit of money.

Where Do I Begin?

2009-02-04T09:09:00.000-05:00

I don't know where I left off, so I'm not really sure where to begin....I've been up for 24 hours and I'm missing class again. I've talked to all my teachers though and feel like if I can get back tomorrow, it'll work out.

Nikki and I have been talking. I can't really explain it. I can't tell you if she's a friend or someone I hate or both. I know it's caused several fights with Meaghan and that we've finally agreed to let me work it out this way, with me trying to figure it out for myself and alerting Meaghan whenever I do communicate with her.

Um....so the weekend was really good, right? I went over to Meaghan's for pizza with her and her sister and we watched Fool's Gold and then the next night she came over here for dinner and we watched Repo: A Genetic Opera, which was much, much better than we expected. And then Sunday we went to Heather's for a superbowl party. It was really nice, Stephanie and Rachel and Emily were there and some of their guys.

I had a lot of fun.

.....During the third quarter something happened to me. I was hit with vertigo hard. To the point where I made Meaghan jump because my grip tightened around her hip so suddenly. For about 45 minutes I couldn't move. I couldn't turn my head without the room spinning. Eventually she went to grab my medication and it took the edge off. I tried to stand and my heart would race too fast. Eventually I was able to walk around, but Meaghan had to drive us home.

It took more than a day for me to regain my senses.

I got the letter from the school, so my health insurance could be active next week.

I love Meaghan. I'm going to try to stay awake until this evening.

In 48 Hours?!?

2009-01-28T22:09:00.000-05:00

What the fuck? Two posts in two days? That's like.....stats from 2005! .....*crickets* Okay, so two people on the planet get that, but whatever.

I had a bit of a breakdown after posting last night and ended up in a long talk with my mom about how my life is going and why it seems fairly fucked up at the moment and not really moving forward. Because there's a lot of bad stuff going on right now. You have to understand that for each of these things there's a slight upside and I am focusing on the bad, but only because it's overwhelming me right now.

We discussed school and how I've missed a bunch and what happened yesterday. How my grades are good, but I'm worried about math because I don't understand it and about biology because I've missed more classes than I probably should have so far and with not being able to even find the room at times and not for lack of knowing where it is. Which brings up the medical condition and how it's bringing every part of my life apart. And that the insurance is taking forever to get and once I choose, it takes longer to get it set up, and then to make the appointments and then what if it's something bad? Or what if it's not and then I'm back to some sort of therapist? And how I can't return to BN or anywhere really until it's sorted and how I'm in debt and the fact that my dad still hasn't handed me a hard copy of my writing so I can finish my novel and how my room is small and when I feel like I need to get out, I can't drive off because I don't have the gas money for that and driving to school and how if I do have a condition with seizures I might lose my license, trapping me here. And I can't fucking stay in one place for too long or I'll claw at the walls. Literally.

It's crept into every part of my life and yes, I have a roof over my head and food and I'm in school. And I'm not saying I have a bad life. It's just that the bad outweighs the good and I'd be lying if I said I didn't have an exact plan on how I'd leave and where I'd go to get out of this life. And yeah, it would make life harder, but I might be happier if I was writing and traveling, even if I was fucking broke and had no possessions.

Last night Meaghan and I had probably our biggest fight ever over Nikki. It was because I'd told her I wasn't planning on talking to Nikki again unless something major or life threatening happened or vice versa and didn't think I'd hear from her for months. However, last night I remembered about Nikki getting a lump in her breast checked right before I left her and she had been waiting on the results. So I IMed her and asked her about it. She's fine, it was a cyst, she informed me she broke up with Lauren whoever and we stopped talking again. I immediately called Meaghan and told her we'd talked so she wouldn't freak out. She immediately got pissed and we preceded to argue late into the night. From my end it was bothering me and hurting me that she was saying I lied and blaming me for talking to Nikki. And also upsetting because I felt I'd done nothing wrong by asking a friend if she had breast cancer and then immediately calling my girlfriend to explain so she would know. I understand her end of it and why she hates Nikki as well, but it just got to a boiling point and I told her I wouldn't talk to Nikki again and eventually got off the phone even though she wanted me to stay on until we weren't mad anymore. But that's the point, I was staying mad because despite her feelings I was blamed for something that's not my fault and I had only asked a question that was worrying me. I followed the rules. She calmed down when she got what she wanted, but then began to backstep because she doesn't want me to do something that hurts me. But that was the end of the conversation. She got what she wanted in a way. But not in the way she wanted. I eventually informed her it wasn't going to just go away and we wouldn't end the conversation happily, because my throat was sore from fighting and it was three in the morning. But we settled it. And I love Meaghan, don't get me wrong. It just finally got to that point where we were going to have that fight and we did. And I hope it gets better now.

By that point I'd taken three Klonopin and missed class again. My muscles hurt. But I've been doing homework all day and understand the math a bit better. Michelle called and told me she can put me on her insurance plan free as long as I'm full time in school and so that's our move I think, but I need to talk to her about the details of the plan first.

In My Best Interest....

2009-01-27T15:15:00.000-05:00

So I thought it might be a good idea to post something since I said I was going to try to do this daily and also to please Meaghan and, more importantly, to get her off my back about it. Love you sweetie. :)

First off, let me say that I closed my account at Reezle and so I'm only posting here and an identical copy of this journal at journalspace. I am posting my "book" online still as well, at least the new parts of it as I write them, but it's hard to get to for the public. It's also at journalspace, you'd just have to take a back door into the site and kudos if you find it.

So Friday night I staged a fake fight with Meaghan to annoy her about my coming up to Athens the next day, making it sound like I wasn't happy about it. During the online fight I was actually packing and getting ready. Ending the conversation with a "fine! I'll see you in an hour and a half" and preceding to get offline and drive up there a night early. She was pleasantly surprised. We fought a little over the weekend, but it was really nice for the most part. And that night we ended up pushing her nonexistent roommate's bed up against hers so that we'd have more room. It took a bit of effort and we hit our heads a lot, but we managed it.

Saturday we slept in and then went to a late lunch at this place that only serves chicken fingers with Heather P. and it was really good. Nothing can top Zaxby's, but it was a close second. From there we went to her dorm and watched Angel for a few hours with Heather's roommate Kyleigh. And from there the two of us went to see this really funny play called The Underpants. I really enjoyed it and her friend Adam was there with his girlfriend. So we all walked back across campus together and then split up. Meaghan and I decided a pizza would be much better and more filling than the soup we were considering, so we grabbed one and went back to her dorm to chill.

Sunday I ended up staying later than I was planning on and I don't even really remember what we did besides have sex and playing with handcuffs. Really good sex too. Like....where you just keep going and then you're ready again 15 minutes later? Um...we had really bad soup as well. And Meaghan will probably yell at me for leaving something out, but I really think that was it besides me hiding in the closet for twenty minutes because I wanted to make her giggle and she took an annoyingly long shower....

That night I drove back from Athens directly to book club and shared some chicken with Heather and Stephanie. Michael, Ashley, and surprisingly Andrew were all there as well and we didn't discuss a book, but when do we ever really? It was really cool and I'm glad I got to see all of them. Then I came home and wrote a paper before turning in.

And the last two days have been classes, missed and not missed and homework and me realizing I'm going to fail math. And almost passing out in history class and being so disoriented that I couldn't actually LOCATE my biology class, meaning I missed it for the fourth time. I've thought about just leaving a lot lately. Especially after that. Not just school. In general. If I had the money, I'd travel and write and...hell, even without the money I might decide that's the best decision. I just know this doesn't work either.

Emotionally Draining

2009-01-23T19:07:00.000-05:00

Where do I begin?

Let's get the meaningless stuff out of the way first. I've missed about half my classes this week due to....circumstances beyond my control and my muscles ache at the moment because I popped more Klonopin than I should have last night.

Usually my posts aren't...this angry, but I need to get it off my chest. Anger? Is that what it is? I don't really know.

This week I talked to my ex fiancee Ashleigh over the internet and engaged in an actual conversation with her for the first time since my last West Palm trip during the summer, if you could call that a conversation. We joked about how my break up with Nikki was a clean cut as opposed to the "dragged through the gutters filled with glass and syringes" cut it was with us. She said a few choice words about Nikki(but who hasn't? besides me...surprisingly.) and made a few unethical remarks, but....none of this was a surprise really. She told me she wasn't expecting me to actually bring Nikki to lunch with me back then and I informed her it was only because during the drive-by I saw she had not brought along her puppy, but her boyfriend Jimmy. Otherwise Nikki would have vanished into City Place while Ashleigh and I had a nice lunch and cleared things up. Of course, that couldn't happen. Way too simple, so lunch was quick and without much comment as we all sat there. But the thing is Ashleigh and I talk off and on and have for years. We're not friends, but we almost got married and we lost our little girl before she was born. So....yes, she's a horrible person in some ways, especially toward me and I'll never return to West Palm, but it's good to know things are okay with her and they got the house.

In a similar way, I'm here for Nikki too. She finally contacted me after well over a month last night and we talked for a while. It seems that her cheating on me with Lauren whatever her name is, not only fucked things up for any potential friendship with me and destroyed years of friend and relationship for us, but it also destroyed most of her friendships. She told me she was checking on me to make sure I wasn't taking too much medication and was still alive. The irony is I only popped the pills after talking to her. She explained that the first year of our relationship she was happy and such, but that the admission she made to me in West Palm(honestly, if a part of me didn't feel like it was home, I'd burn it to the ground) about being a lesbian was true. And the last several months of our relationship she was only sleeping with me and staying with me because she felt I needed her. I told her there was no forgiveness here and that she fucked things up in a royal way, that I didn't care if she's a lesbian now and that we're not friends and I don't foresee us becoming friends again. I told her to stick to the rules next time and call me directly because I'm not answering her any other way and to keep me updated on the major events in her life and that's all. Then I said goodbye. It's very confusing for me. Because I know long ago we were happy and satisfied as most would attest. I know she never "faked" it. I'm good in bed, but I know for a fact that for the last six months of it, she was picturing some girl every time and how am I supposed to feel about that?

Meaghan and I have been bickering a lot too. Almost nightly and recently we've been trying to find a better way to get through it. It's just rough. We know how to get along just great when we're together, but when she's away we fight over stupid stuff and we can't survive like that. I can't, anyway. I love her and I hope we work it all out, because it's nothing major at this point.

I leave for Athens in the morning so I'll bid you farewell, my...four readers or so. And if you just got this link today and your mind is blown, I apologize. I'm not always this intense, sometimes I just have seizures.

What do I need to pack for tomorrow? Let's see.....laptop, change of clothes, sunglasses, fuzzy purple handcuffs.....

I Can't Stop Watching The Bad Girl's Club....

2009-01-21T18:36:00.000-05:00

....And I realize this is a problem. I'm addicted to bad television...and probably Klonopin, but that's a different story. I watch trashy reality television all the fucking time, but then again I watch movies and TV all the time when I'm home anyway. Lost is back tonight.

So after writing Monday night I got a call from Michelle saying she had tried to get in contact with Brittney's dad again to talk about health insurance and he apparently was very rude and treated her as if she were a telemarketer bothering him at dinner instead of a potential customer. So she's told me to give her a week to track down some better plans with better companies. I waited to tell Brittney about it until today because she was dealing with the court stuff yesterday and I didn't want to bring her down. But she got off without jail time and I slipped it into our phone call today. She seemed upset by it, but I told her it wasn't a big deal and we're just going with another company. And it's not a big deal, her fathers always been a bitch and I only see him every few years.

Yesterday, at least I think it was yesterday, I had a conversation online with Ashleigh and it was pretty nice. It doesn't change the past, of course, but it's something that we can still talk without the world going to hell...usually.

And Obama is now officially President of the United States. I'm fairly happy about this. I don't really think his economic plan is going to be as helpful as he claims, but it was time for a change and it feels like things are different. Of course, just like any president there will be good and bad sides to his time there, but we can hope some of it's a change for the better.

So I skipped class...again...to watch all of that take place and then dad came up and we took Scott to O'Charley's for dinner. The waitresses were very flirty there and Meaghan now wants to know where they all live so she can beat them senseless.

This morning I had the second group presentation and it went a lot better than the previous one, so it was a good morning. And then I found the food court in A Building so I was happy with lunch as well. Dad called and let us know the car insurance is fine once again and that was my morning.

The rest of today has been homework so far. I watched The Eye earlier, but I wouldn't really recommend it and finally finished Black Book. The latter was actually good and I suggest you see it if you feel like reading a movie anytime soon.

The Ghost Of A Good Thing

2009-01-19T18:37:00.000-05:00

So today was a lazy day basically. It was a holiday, so I guess that can be forgiven. I slept in a little bit and then did homework for most of the morning.

Everyone seems to be running into issues in the last few days, apparently my mom got charged $500 dollars on a bill that was only half of that and now has $12 dollars to last her for two weeks. Which sucks, if the charge can't be reversed and while it doesn't effect me much, stuff like that worries me. And my dad called last night to inform me that my car insurance is not active for a few days because of a glitch in their system and that it will be active again in a day or two he hopes. So I'm going to be driving illegally for a few mornings at least because I can't afford to miss class and I can't just borrow a car because my school tag is on mine. So unless I know the issue is going to continue for weeks....this is how we're gonna play it.

Talked to Britt briefly to make sure she got the money I left her, but she had to run almost as soon as we started talking. I hope her time in court goes smoothly tomorrow.....

And this afternoon Meaghan came over to roast marshmellows with Scott and myself and then we laid in bed for an hour or two before she had to go. It's hard to part after these weekends. I wouldn't call our relationship long distance at all, it doesn't really feel that way, she's only in Athens. It's not even an hour away, but it is difficult to go that long without being near her sometimes.

Two things I'm trying to decide in regards to this blog. #1-Who should get the link. And #2-Should I put my actual writing in a seperate blog with a password? And if so, does anyone get that link?

It's really weird, but right this second I want to be exactly where I said I'd never go again. It just feels like home even if I'm never going back. Sure, this is home too, definitely, but....

Journalspace Is Back, Bitches

2009-01-19T00:20:00.000-05:00

So JournalSpace is back, if...different. So the rule of three will remain in case it falls apart again. I'll post there, Blogspot, and Reezle. The third only because I've met some good people there.

So it's been an intense week. Second week back at school and another group project in the works as well. Just a lot of homework and stress in that regard. I missed class on Thursday due too.....things out of my control I guess you could say.

Last Tuesday, Scott and I went down to dad's and then we all went to Taco Mac for dinner down there near their mall. I'd never been down in that area behind Perimeter and it was packed for a week night. Michelle and I went there with them to talk mainly about health insurance, but it turned into a two hour conversation about my medical condition and a really nice chat. Still no concrete word on the condition or the insurance yet though.

I got trapped in my dreams again Wednesday afternoon. Not a pleasant feeling. Sort of like sleep paralysis except every time you fight your way awake, you awake up in your bed only to find yourself in another dream, it can be twice or twelve times.

Ashleigh contacted me online the other day and we had a bit of a conversation going...I guess? I miss talking to her, to be honest. At the same time, every time I hear from her I worry something's wrong or that....I don't know. If you read here enough, I'm sure you'll see my thoughts on the subject swing from one end of the spectrum to the other, but at the end of the day, she'll always be important to me, no matter how I feel or she does at the moment. Because that was a big part of my life and even if it's gone for good, that doesn't mean the memory is. Or the emotion behind it.

And the three day weekend is going well. Spending most of it doing homework and hanging out with Meaghan. Friday we just spent here, dinner and Iron Man and sex. Been to BN twice in the last week which was nice. We met Christie and Allen there Saturday and then walked around the mall for an hour or so. Went back to Christie's for dinner with her family, I love those guys and I've barely been around them. And then we played a board game and went to the movies. Saw Bride Wars. Which was funny, but definitely a chick flick. And it snowed! And today we went up to Jefferson to visit with Grammie and Granddaddy. He's recovering from his shoulder surgery. So Meaghan and the rest of us went up there and had lunch. Then we went for a walk with Grammie and took off. Back here for dinner and Semi Pro which wasn't great and then more sex and math homework.

I haven't decided exactly how in depth I'm going to get with all the sex talk here. I don't like censoring myself, but I don't know who I want reading this yet. And people take things the wrong way or get offended pretty easily. I've been watching what I say a lot lately and I'm pretty sure the final word on that will be...fuck it.

Crashing Cars In My Brain

2009-01-12T22:07:00.000-05:00

So today was a big day. Scratch that, the last seven have been big and life changing in the sense that there have been big changes in my life.

Today I got up and went to class where I had to deal with the two remaining people in my presentation group. To sum it up, one girl dropped the class, the guy acted as if he was having email problems, couldn't think of anything to talk about, etc. and after all of that, never showed up. My emails to him weren't angry, but to the point and if he takes it the wrong way or tries anything, I might have to take it to the teacher, but hopefully he'll move past the zero he's getting or drop the class. The two remaining barely had anything to say and hated helping me present even though I wrote the paper for them and talked more than them. It was just a frustrating situation and it's over now. Hopefully that easy A will actually amount to an A.

After an energy drink and my math class, I went to the apartment where we waited a few hours for our walkthrough. Britt and I talked about everything and she got some mail informing her that her court date is next Tuesday and that the company is pressing charges. But not Kristy, who has a court date at the same time. I assume this may be because it's her second offense at the mall.

She told me that when Heidi and her hung out last week she was talking about not being a virgin anymore. It was a bit of a shock to my system, because Heidi, while very hot and flexible and covered in freckles, had barely kissed a boy before and we knew her in that regard. But she lost it in Disney World , so that makes sense. It seems right, considering she loves the Little Mermaid, she's so happy and fun, and is the same girl who used to be the ballerina spinning on her feet while spraying strawberry air freshener at the vet. The funniest part was that she told her parents about it and her mother told her, she is proud and thinks she should date and sleep around before settling down.

During all this Greg put my fan up and now the room is much brighter as I type this.

So the woman finally shows up and does our walkthrough, we turned our keys in. The carpet guy goes over tomorrow, the power is cut off tomorrow, cable is off today, the rest of the bills will be small, we get a letter showing what we owe or get back within seven days and a statement within thirty. So it's done.

The rest of today was spent doing homework and organizing my laptop and "Secret Drive". And now I'm waiting to see if my girlfriend is up for a game strip online pool. All the cool kids are doing it.

The New Year

2009-01-11T20:50:00.000-05:00

So I'll fill in the blanks later, but for now let me talk about my life now.

I've just, a week ago, moved back home into my mom's house after a year sharing an apartment with a good friend of mine, Brittney.

Our lease is up as of tomorrow and because of several events, it's caused us both to move home for at least six months.

So I'm back in the room I was living in for a good 13 to 14 years. I think I was about 7 when we moved here. The only thing that's really changed is the color of the walls. A nice blue now.

I live here with my mom, my brother Scott, Greg...who...I'll have to explain in depth later, and two puppies Kylie and Zena. It took the week to get used to it again, but I feel like things are settling down now and I'm more comfortable again.

I started back at college last week and it's going fairly well, except I'm having to deal with freshmen, new freshmen, in some of these classes. The teachers are mostly those I've had before because my medical issues pulled me out last semester. But I think I'll get along fine with all of them. It's been a crazy weekend though, already had to write a paper and it's only been three days. However, I'm good at BSing a paper and kicking out an easy A in less than an hour.

Meaghan and I spent a good part of the weekend together as well. She went back to school for a few days and then came back down for the weekend. She came over for dinner on friday and we watched Tinkerbell!.....it was.....there was.....we had sex later, so it's all good. We watched Planet Terror afterward. And then last night I went over to her house to have dinner with her family and we went to her old highschool to see Jane Eyre with her sister and Christie's younger sister. She saw a lot of friends and I finally met Chad. It was a nice night.

I love Meaghan.

Touching On A Few Things

2009-01-09T15:36:00.000-05:00

Someone asked me the other day if I'm going to continue posting parts of Trinity in this new blog. The answer is yes. I don't when it will all start up again though.

If you don't know me, I'm writing a book and it began with my writing a story on JS as therapy. The story kept going and I now have a 700 page....thing to deal with. And it still goes on....

So in response, yes. I will. The story continues, but for those of you not up to speed, I won't be catching anyone up on events that have transpired.

I tend to work by posting parts of the story here, then going back and beefing them up with more description and changing names later. That's part of my editing process while still getting the main idea across here and hopefully entertaining you, even if it might not look anything like what it will when it's published.

Scattered To The Winds

2009-01-08T22:50:00.000-05:00

So why am I on Blogspot?

That's a simple question really. I'm a writer and was on Journalspace for over five years. Recently the entire site went under and thousands of bloggers lost their writing home. So we're a bit scattered to the winds right now as JS is not going to recover....ever really. I mean, there's the chance someone else will buy the domain and their sisters sites are still up where replicas of this journal can be found, but it's gone. And it's sad.

Luckily, a few others and myself were able to save all our posts. Mine were saved as pure luck in my backing up the archive to my own computer right before it all crashed. And a few others at least, like my friend Li, who's posts were saved by another member.

A few other members I found on Facebook and there may be some hidden in the forums and Reezle and swydm.com. But an era is definitely over.

To new beginnings?

What Was 2008?

2009-01-07T17:06:00.000-05:00

-It was.....the year I was madly in love with a girl probably too young for someone like me, but the maturity made up for it. But it was also the year that girl became so scared of committment she left me a few times. Hurt me by kissing someone who threatened me months before and told me we couldn't be together. And then when she acted as if things were better and she was just upset with family issues I realized she was cheating on me for weeks or maybe longer with a girl she crushed over whose name isn't important now. It wasn't all bad. It seemed like fate at the time. I asked her to marry me. She said yes. And then we went back on it. Nikki was a very sweet girl and despite what I've said and will say, she was very, very good to me when we were together and never actually did anything wrong until the end besides being young and scared.

-Speaking of engagements, that would have been my second, but that's a longer story. Involving Ashleigh. And I bring her up because in '08 I also made my third journey to West Palm Beach. It involved the former girlfriend(Nikki) telling me she thought she might be a lesbian while in bed with me in the same hotel where over three years ago Ashleigh got pregnant and called off our engagement almost at the same exact moment. We lost Devin of course before she was even born. Back to the hotel and the lesbian announcement(for the moment?) the next morning I was to have lunch with Ashleigh to gain closure from years before and she told me she might bring her dog. Apparently by dog she meant Jimmy, her boyfriend and Nikki stayed with me as we all ate in silence and then left. It would have been sad and painful if I hadn't stopped caring by that point.

Lived in an apartment all year and was able to pay for it with Brittney as my roommate, but then had to move home because of her situation and my own....

I finished my year at Barnes and Noble by having to quit due to medical complications. Seizures that I haven't found the answer to yet. Had to drop the fall semester.

But the good news of the year is my time at the bookstore led me to meet many good friends and a wonderful girl named Meaghan who I love very much and hope I am with for quite some time to come. :)