Where Do You Go?

Tomorrow I'm going to sit down with my mom and have a discussion about the future. I feel like it's time for me to make a very big change in my life.

I've always said that it's the best policy for all involved, to never "start over" or get a "fresh start" but to just switch things up and continue on your way. Because otherwise you'll feel like a failure forever as half the people on the planet try to start over and feel like shit because they're "starting over" at 16, 20, 3o, 56, etc.

Honestly, I can't call this depression anymore. It's not even a word at this point. It's just a thing. A thing that's resulted in a lack of energy, not much showering or cleaning and absolutely no motivation. I couldn't even medicate this because I've gone past that point and I'm on so much other stuff, ya dig?

Anyway, back to the point at hand. Tomorrow there will be a discussion. About my life and my future. And it feels like whatever will be said will be my course. And I feel like it's going to be a good decision for me. I don't think everyone will agree or support what I have to say. However, it will be much different than my current life and I think I need that. And I think I need to do this to become a healthier person.

They Tried To Make Me Go To Rehab, I Said....I'm Thinking About It.

I haven't written anything in a very long time and I might eventually catch you up on my life. But when I don't blog for awhile, I find myself making promises I don't keep like that, so let's focus on the here and now. This post. This moment. And work from there. Might be back tomorrow. Might vanish for six months. I'm shady like that. You can blame the chick from the beach. You can blame the medication. But I'm the one you really need to blame for my lack of blogging, because my "blogging" and "writing" really shouldn't have anything to do with each other. If I have writer's block, there's no reason I can't tell all you little fuckers about it.

It's one in the morning here in my bedroom at my house, or rather my mom's house? This is where I'm living again for the time being and probably into next fall. And I'm up as usual. Listening to Bright Eyes. To inspire myself to write.

Haven't had a steady job since I left B&N to discover my epilepsy last year and am currently enrolled in school, but it's beginning to feel fake again. I don't want to be here. It feels useless. The grades will drop, because the medication messes with me more than the actual condition, because I don't want to be living here with my mom and her drunk roommate after living on my own and affording my own place. Because I'd rather start start living a healthier life and finish the already 800+ page novel, but I can't seem to write.

But it takes me this long just to put that to paper. And everyone will have an opinion about which road I should take. Fuck it all and follow my heart? Am I strong enough?

Do You Remember?

When I used to write things down and not just twitter things? I'm losing my cool. I'm going to start blogging again. But if you're going to see New Moon tonight, you're not allowed to read it. And I'll know. You'll be all glittery.

As Promised

http://www.facebook.com/ronnie.kelley?ref=profile

http://twitter.com/Summers333

Wait A Minute

I got your comment, reader, and instead of leaving a tiny answer you might not read anyway, why don't I post?

In regards to the health issue, there's a few of them. As far as the epilepsy goes I'm down to one medication that isn't terrible, but at the moment it's making me incredibly tired and drained. I'm motivated to do things a lot of the time, but lack the ability to get them done sometimes. Even my relatively simple school work is suffering for it sometimes. But to be fair I am taking 15 hours worth of classes even if it is online. The hospital stuff isn't a worry right now if that's what you meant. The only scare I've had was actually yesterday when I felt very sick and almost on the edge of losing it and dropping like a fly. But we don't need to go into too much detail about that.

I'm not going to go recount the last month for you guys. If you need more of me, I suggest Facebook or Twitter. I'll link both. You have to be members of both and I have to add you, but I don't see any reason why I wouldn't.

Really do want to start writing more. Of my own stuff and here again, but I say that almost daily, so we'll see how it goes.

Good weekend. Went to a book festival in Decatur yesterday and then met up with Heather P. to discuss Disney plans for the end of this month. I'm missing Meaghan a bunch, it's our nine month anniversary today. The official one anyway. We've been dating for something like....15 months, I believe if you want to get technical though.

Rewriting Your Truth

Well, Meaghan is in Disney and I'm really happy for her. :) She's gotten into a good apartment with good roommates and is working in the park she wanted to work in. This is a wonderful thing for her and I can't wait to go visit.

Scott came home for a bit last week because right after he got to Auburn all the kids turned around and came home or started "rushing" and he was bored. So he left again Friday and dad and Michelle went down and helped him with some final set up stuff yesterday. He apparently met his roommate yesterday as well.

My car broke down Thursday night while I was down in Doraville, so it's in the shop and should be fixed up today or tomorrow I hope, but it's running me a bit of cash.

Bought a bunch of textbooks, still need to buy a few more this week. Classes start tomorrow!

One health issue I'm working on, because if I don't, it may land me in the hospital soon. But I'm not willing to go into specifics here quite yet.

A New Era

I'm not going make you any false promises. I'm not going to recount all the major events and major players from this summer. And I'm not going to apologize for being gone. I'm going to stick with what is.

What is, is this. I'm on a lot of medication and trying to narrow it down to one or two over the next few weeks so my side effects are decreased and I have more energy.

I start my fall classes next monday and I'm taking 15 hours this semester in hopes that I can finish up at my current school by the end of next summer.

Lots of friends are going off to college or returning to it this week.

My brother left for Auburn and his freshmen year there this past weekend.

And my girlfriend Meaghan left for Orlando this morning because she's spending this semester away from UGA and interning at Disney. I'm very happy for her and I know she'll have a great time. I'll go down to visit as much as I can. It's just going to be very sad at times. That's very far away and I'm going to miss her quite a lot while she's gone.

I Don't Care What You Say Anymore, This Is MY Life.

I'll come back later and post something profound and long and interesting.

The need to write here again has come upon me and I do feel like there are certain things I can't say and certain things I can't talk about and I shouldn't feel like that. But that's an issue I'll have to work out again for myself. That's someone else's problem and not an issue I've had in my past. We'll make it work.

I'm just back from Savannah with Meg and we had a great time and tonight I finished up my finals for the summer. So I should have a few weeks of relief from that.

More soon.

I'm Not Telling You Everything

But I think I probably will again one day...

There's A Deer Just Outside Eating Fruit From The Orchard!

It's been a while, or at least it feels that way.

On Saturday I was going to meet Jamal face to face and rode down there just to walk around the mall for almost two hours. Finally got a call from him telling me about the episode that he had the night before and apologizing for not being there. I haven't heard from him since. I don't know him that well, but it's hard knowing that he's going through some rough times with epilepsy. I'm grateful for what I have even if it's making my life....difficult right now. It also shows me how bad it could get at any moment thought.

Sunday I spent at dad's for Father's Day. We ate lunch with him and just stayed in mostly. I started feeling sicker than usual that night and still do now.

Yesterday morning I went for another blood test. I hate needles, by the way. We're trying to see if I can lower the dosage on my medication or if I need to try something new. I'm also trying an anxiety medication to replace the Klonopin(yeah, right).

Really shaky for the rest of the day, but I went over and spent time with Meaghan and her family. It was really nice.

And today was just....nothing. I've felt sick. But Meaghan came over and spent a few great hours with me. Check in soon. :)